Northwestern Football Spends $10 Billion On Performance-Enhancing Drugs For Players, Still Can’t Seem to Win
Northwestern Football Spends $10 Billion on Performance Enhancing Drugs for Players, Still Can’t Seem to Win
Category Archives: Sports
New Survey Finds Curling to be Best Olympic Sport to have Sex to
There’s just something about those rocks that gets my mind thinking and my body moving
Paramedics Rush Ryan Field Following Concussion, Put in Time-Out for Interrupting Football Game
“Makes me sick that they think the quality of that boy’s skull is more important than football”
From The Archives: An Op-ed: Why Do Our Croquet Players Get Donkeys To Ride Around Campus? They Are Dreadful!
They are a plague on this campus – the likes of which have never been and will never be seen again.
Ask Flippy: My Boyfriend Won’t Stop Screaming U Rah Rah! During Sex, How Do I Make It Stop?
“At first, I didn’t mind, since I’m tremendously committed to school spirit.”
NU Marching Band Logs More Rushing Yards Than Football Team
“Carrying a small, sad, modern equivalent of Gabriel’s horn gives me to motivation to walk until my toe cartilage is worn away.”
Jousting Club Endorses J&J Vaccine: “One Jab Shall Do It!”
“Too long hath these Pfizer and Moderna knaves parried with the virus. They flash thine fancy swords and dance around in thine gilded boots, but those swine’s art COWARDS. Sir Johnson shall end it all in a single blow!”
Local Man Poses as Cardboard Cutout for Three Months to Infiltrate World Series
“The trick is to sit real still and not breathe too much,” describes Bregman, who claims he wanted to get the authentic ballpark experience without the hassle of paying for tickets or obeying pesky federal guidelines. “I got used to not breathing when I pretended to be dead so my kids could claim life insurance,” he said.
New York Jets Dominate Next 4 Games After Realizing They Were Holding Playbook Upside-Down
The New York Jets of the National Football League are gaining increasing media attention following their sudden four game winning streak against some of the toughest teams in the league, which came after they figured out the playbook needed to be flipped around. Following rumors that NY Jet’s head coach Adam Gase would be removed in the event of another team loss, the ever-scheming playcaller knew he had to whip up something special before taking on the 2-2 Arizona Cardinals.
Morty Exits Debt Negotiation Meeting With Bloody Bat, Says He Handled It
It’s no secret to NU students that the school has problems managing money, from administration blowing millions on football games to continuing to fund the theater program. However, recent statements out of the office of the president indicate that these troubles may be over. When Morty Schapiro went into a budget meeting with several of the financial experts in charge of the university’s endowment with one of those bats with nails in it, reporters were unsure of the outcome. However