Category Archives: Sports

Local Man Poses as Cardboard Cutout for Three Months to Infiltrate World Series

“The trick is to sit real still and not breathe too much,” describes Bregman, who claims he wanted to get the authentic ballpark experience without the hassle of paying for tickets or obeying pesky federal guidelines. “I got used to not breathing when I pretended to be dead so my kids could claim life insurance,” he said.

New York Jets Dominate Next 4 Games After Realizing They Were Holding Playbook Upside-Down

The New York Jets of the National Football League are gaining increasing media attention following their sudden four game winning streak against some of the toughest teams in the league, which came after they figured out the playbook needed to be flipped around.  Following rumors that NY Jet’s head coach Adam Gase would be removed in the event of another team loss, the ever-scheming playcaller knew he had to whip up something special before taking on the 2-2 Arizona Cardinals.

Morty Exits Debt Negotiation Meeting With Bloody Bat, Says He Handled It

It’s no secret to NU students that the school has problems managing money, from administration blowing millions on football games to continuing to fund the theater program. However, recent statements out of the office of the president indicate that these troubles may be over. When Morty Schapiro went into a budget meeting with several of the financial experts in charge of the university’s endowment with one of those bats with nails in it, reporters were unsure of the outcome. However

Pessimistic Student Will Just Occasionally Yell “Safety School” At Visiting Ohio State

With the mighty Ohio State Buckeyes set to visit Northwestern on Friday evening, many students found themselves pessimistic, and in some cases completely resigned to defeat. But for one Medill sophomore, pessimism wasn’t a barrier to doing what she loves: putting down her opponent’s intellect. “I know our odds don’t look too great,” slurred Northwestern University sophomore Joanna Booth, in line outside of the student entrance at Ryan Field. “But there’s always a solution that makes us look really, really

NBA Referee Assigns Technical Foul To Pregnant Woman For “Hiding Basketball”

The NBA Playoffs erupted into chaos Tuesday after a referee dished out a technical foul to Claire Rogers, a pregnant woman in the stands, for “hiding the basketball.” The incident, which has already been deemed the greatest misunderstanding sincethe Salem Witch Trials, began in the third quarterafter an erroneous pass found its way into the stands. Sources report that as the ref turned his head, he noticed a round woman whispering to her stomach over and over. He immediately blew

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