Top 10 Organs To Sell For NU Basketball Tickets

10. Spleen

The body has grown out of the need for the spleen, just like NU basketball has magically grown out of the need to bribe fans to go to games. Let’s see which one stops being true first!

9. Eyes

It’s painful enough to watch Ty Berry attempt a three he has no shot at making – much less watching #letMacshoot play out.

8. Kidneys

Do you REALLY know what your kidneys do, anyway? Here’s to never finding out.

7. Large Intestine

Unfolded, the large intestine is five feet long. Isn’t it so annoying when the stadium people are passing out those giant wiggly balloons at halftime, and the bag never makes it to your row? Well, now you can give someone the chance to hold a more exciting alternative!

6. Bladder

No one at this school has any manners – particularly the men – so standing up to pee during a game at Welsh Ryan is already risky if you want to keep your seat. Kill two birds with one stone and just hold it in!

5. Rectum

Some people wear a rabbit’s foot on their keychain for good luck. Give some lucky lad in purple an extra-special detached part for even better luck the next time they play PENN STATE!

4. Ovaries

For $14,000 a pop, you can afford all the criminally overpriced stadium beer your heart desires, and maybe even have enough left over for a Cameo shoutout from Boo Buie. Who needs babies when that’s your legacy?

3. Esophagus

If you’re not using it to scream for Buie or gleefully curse out transfer students you’ve never heard of, you don’t need it.

2. Liver

If you played this season right, you won’t need it anyway. I once saw someone pull a shot of Pink Whitney out of her hair at Welsh-Ryan and then smile for the Jumbotron without missing a beat.

1. Skin

In exchange for a season of sports domination, the dread cabal of Wildcat deities and demons demands an appropriately stretchy sacrifice. Bring a whole new meaning to bleeding purple for the wildcats!

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