From a universe where nothing ever goes wrong: I have a mouth, but I don’t need to scream :)
Well golly-gee-good-morning, world! My name is John J. Johnson, and I have the best life ever!
Category Archives: Featured
Tostitos Announced New “Hint of Chips” Lime
“We’re always striving for better here,” explains a Tostitos representative. “Everyone’s been telling us for years that we struck gold with those chips, and we figured what people were looking for next was a lime experience really uninterrupted by the strong notes of chip that defined our previous products.”
Somebody Put Ben Down He’s Drunk On Star Power
Everybody’s seen somebody go on a power trip before. Police officers when they pull over people, that kid that was supposed to watch over the class while the teacher went out to go use the bathroom, Joseph Stalin, just to name a few. But never before has a power trip been as dangerous as this one, never before has one rush of authority to somebody’s head been as dangerous as this. For God’s sake, somebody put Ben down, he’s drunk
Op-Ed: You driving while having a “baby on board” has nothing to do with me
The other day when I was driving and intently studying the bumper stickers on the car in front of me, I saw my least favorite sticker of all time.
Innovation: Student Starts Ripping 20 GoGo Squeezes a Day to Curb Vaping Addiction
He slurped up a long, skinny semi-gelatinous tube of unsweetened, organic applesauce and felt a head rush like nothing he had ever experienced before.
Op-Ed: Scuba Diving is WAY More Exciting than Becoming a Father
his little, wet, salamander-colored life-form, by his own existence, took from me my passion. My wife made me get rid of the scuba gear, you see; she didn’t want me to “get some awful fucking decompression sickness and have [my] guts pop out through [my] eye sockets” and leave her with our son, William, all alone. William, more like, Will-I-Ever-Be-Free-Again?
Funnel Cake, Projectile Vomit, Mysteriously Damp Stuffed Animal and Other Carnival-Themed Outfit Ideas for Dillo 53
We’ve got some great ideas for sexy and hot festival outfits that are perfectly on theme.
What They Don’t Tell You About Crack: “Holy Shit This Stuff Is Fucking Great!”
It’s so great, I actually can’t imagine what my life would be like without my beloved crack, I really can’t!
Call Me Crazy, But that UFO Came Down in the Field by my House in 2012 and When the Little Aliens Came Out They Told Me to Shoot John Lennon’s Abused Son Julian Lennon
Look, man, I admit maybe I shouldn’t have drunk that whole bowl of ayahuasca brew that uncontacted tribe in Paraguay sent me, but I swear to you I’m not messing around here. Call me crazy if you want, but that UFO came down in the field by my house in 2012 and when the little aliens came out they told me to shoot John Lennon’s abused son, Julian Lennon.
Op-Ed: Norovirus Outbreak In Elder Hall Comes To An End As I, Diego Guerrero, Become The Last Surviving Elderite
It continued until the outbreak ended and I returned to my dorm to realize that I, Diego Guerrero, have become the last surviving Elderite.