NHL Draft Takes Father’s Precedence Over Son’s First Call Home in a Month
Now enter the local Wildcat’s dad. Who has the goddamn nerve to call the house on a Tuesday night? His son!
Category Archives: Featured
Mung Chiang Ranks as “Second-Best Chiang Considered for Northwestern President” (Kai-shek)
Similarly to how the Heavenly Sovereign Schill was only the 18th pick to run Northwestern, Mung Chiang was seemingly not the board’s first pick this time either. In fact, another famous Chiang was the preferred option. Who was that Chiang? None other than Kai-Shek.
Op-Ed: Why a Good Serving of Rocks Should Be a Part of Every Healthy Meal
In our current day and age, America is facing health problems that do not have simple solutions. Everywhere you look, health and fitness gurus claim to have found the optimal diet for your health. Well, I’m here to tell you not to listen to any of them. Listen to me. Eat rocks.
Breaking: “We Are Charlie Kirk” To Be Featured on Just Dance 2027
Definitely-not-AI-generated hit song “We Are Charlie Kirk” by celebrated artist Spalexma will be featured on the 2027 edition of popular video game Just Dance.
Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei on War Ceasefire: “Jesus Christ Is My One True Lord and Savior”
Reporting from Tehran, Iran. Although the outbreak of war between the United States and Iran seemed destined to happen since the late Ayatollah Ali Khamenei came out in support of the full release of the Epstein files, less easily predicted was President Trump’s recent reversion to the Islamic Faith by reciting the Shahada on his Truth Social account. Not to be outdone, however, the new Supreme Leader of Iran and son of Ali Khamenei, Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei, publicly announced his conversion to Christianity by proclaiming
Op-Ed: Your baby is literally ugly and I’m not gonna sugarcoat her
Your baby is a blobfish out of water on this here Earth and needs an appointment for a pediatric plastic surgeon. ASAP! And to think you would ask me to sugarcoat her? What kind of messed-up person are you?
Op-Ed: Honestly It Shouldn’t Be That Hard to Avoid Eleven Bread for Eight Days
First of all, what do they mean when they say “eleven bread”? Eleven pieces of bread? Eleven slices? Eleven baguettes?
Op-Ed: Which Chipette is best to perform at your divorced dad’s birthday party?
The Chipettes are sunshine and rainbows with a side of pizzaz. They’re furry, but they’re not furries, making them perfectly dad-appropriate. And they have just enough sass to entertain a man who has lost his personality and the love of his life.
These Are the Best Weights to Be
What weight should you be? This ever-salient question women around the world have debated since time immemorial, and men around the world have debated since Clavicular hit that guy with a Cybertruck last December.
UN Peacekeepers Briefed On Disturbing Emergence Of Talitubbies
Over the hills and far away, Talitubbies DO NOT come to play. Tinky Winky, Dipsy, maLaalaa and Po are indistinguishable because they are under burkas. Hibatullah Akhundzada rises above the hills of Afghanistan but he’s much scarier than ye ol’ teletubby as he does not have a cute, sexy, raspy British accent. Maybe if he had the accent, shakira law would be more acceptable. Still, hips don’t lie. They are coming for your children. United Nations peacekeepers were reportedly briefed