After Tying His Kill Count, Boeing Now Set On Beating OJ Simpson in Rushing Yards

Orenthal James Simpson, the legendary running back turned actor turned murder hobbyist turned corpse, is known far and wide for his legendary 11,236 rushing yards and 2 murders. That is a tough record to beat, but it seems as though a dark horse challenger has emerged in the past few weeks: The Boeing Company. Boeing has (allegedly) already tied Juice’s murder record and has now turned its attention to beating his rushing yards.

To be fair (and for the sake of plausible deniability) we don’t really know that Boeing killed those dudes. Maybe they were just unfortunate and unpreventable deaths, like Epstein or Malcolm X. Maybe the fact that they were about to expose the Boeing Company for a bunch of shady stuff is a coincidence! But if Boeing DID kill those people in cold blood, then the good people at Boeing would only need to record 11,237 yards to beat OJ’s record. Considering a Boeing 747 is 203 tons and runs a 0.05-second 40-yard dash, OJ’s record doesn’t stand a chance.

Look, whether it’s an aviation conglomerate or USC’s most infamous alumni, murdering people is wrong. But in times like this, when corporations have unchecked power, there’s only one thing to do: lock in an 8 leg parlay and bet it all on Boeing to beat the NFL all-time rushing record.

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