After Tying His Kill Count, Boeing Now Set On Beating OJ Simpson in Rushing Yards
Boeing has (allegedly) already tied Juice’s murder record and has now turned its attention to beating his rushing yards.
Tag Archives: Football
Chiefs And 49ers Have “Worked it Out,” Super Bowl Cancelled This Year
Despite outcry from fans and haters alike, the a Chiefs spokesperson told the media that “it’s just a lot of work for one day” and “really, [they’re] doing the world a favor by preventing food waste from untouched Super Bowl spreads.”
He Had to Do WHAT to WHO? John Wilkes Booth’s WILD Fantasy Football Punishment
Spend 24 hours in a Waffle House, get a tattoo of your friend’s choosing, or perform at an open mic. These are some of the most popular fantasy football punishments for the poor saps who finish last in their league, but once upon a time a man made the news for his WILD punishment. And you’ll never guess what he did or who he did it to. John Wilkes Booth was just a regular joe competing in his local fantasy
DJ Commando Dies Following Sexual Big Bird Tweets
One day, everyone will forget about the Big Birdussy.
NUFB Says Mayo Tub Fight Night “Not Hazing, Just Business”
Despite outcry from many current and former students, NUFB claims that its most recent scandal — Mayo Tub Fight Night — was “not hazing, just business”.
NU Football Coach Forces Players to Attend Basketball Game to “See What Being Cheered for Looks Like”
According to Northwestern’s football coach, this torture was deliberate. During the off-season, he has turned to emotional tactics to try and get the Northwestern football team out of their slump.
As punishment for botched season, football team must give up Charmin privileges
Jimmy John told reporters. “Now they have something else out of the toilet to work for—being decent enough at a sport to earn Charmin’s soft, gentle kiss.”
From The Archives: An Op-ed: Why Do Our Croquet Players Get Donkeys To Ride Around Campus? They Are Dreadful!
They are a plague on this campus – the likes of which have never been and will never be seen again.
NU Marching Band Logs More Rushing Yards Than Football Team
“Carrying a small, sad, modern equivalent of Gabriel’s horn gives me to motivation to walk until my toe cartilage is worn away.”
New York Jets Dominate Next 4 Games After Realizing They Were Holding Playbook Upside-Down
The New York Jets of the National Football League are gaining increasing media attention following their sudden four game winning streak against some of the toughest teams in the league, which came after they figured out the playbook needed to be flipped around. Following rumors that NY Jet’s head coach Adam Gase would be removed in the event of another team loss, the ever-scheming playcaller knew he had to whip up something special before taking on the 2-2 Arizona Cardinals.