NUFB Says Mayo Tub Fight Night “Not Hazing, Just Business”
Despite outcry from many current and former students, NUFB claims that its most recent scandal — Mayo Tub Fight Night — was “not hazing, just business”.
Tag Archives: Football
NU Football Coach Forces Players to Attend Basketball Game to “See What Being Cheered for Looks Like”
According to Northwestern’s football coach, this torture was deliberate. During the off-season, he has turned to emotional tactics to try and get the Northwestern football team out of their slump.
As punishment for botched season, football team must give up Charmin privileges
Jimmy John told reporters. “Now they have something else out of the toilet to work for—being decent enough at a sport to earn Charmin’s soft, gentle kiss.”
From The Archives: An Op-ed: Why Do Our Croquet Players Get Donkeys To Ride Around Campus? They Are Dreadful!
They are a plague on this campus – the likes of which have never been and will never be seen again.
NU Marching Band Logs More Rushing Yards Than Football Team
“Carrying a small, sad, modern equivalent of Gabriel’s horn gives me to motivation to walk until my toe cartilage is worn away.”
New York Jets Dominate Next 4 Games After Realizing They Were Holding Playbook Upside-Down
The New York Jets of the National Football League are gaining increasing media attention following their sudden four game winning streak against some of the toughest teams in the league, which came after they figured out the playbook needed to be flipped around. Following rumors that NY Jet’s head coach Adam Gase would be removed in the event of another team loss, the ever-scheming playcaller knew he had to whip up something special before taking on the 2-2 Arizona Cardinals.
NU and Ohio State Fans Bond Pregame with Indy Favorite, Meth
The bitter rivalry between Northwestern and Ohio State fans sparked by the Big Ten Championship Game this Saturday came to a surprisingly peaceful conclusion at a local tailgate with the help of a Hoosier classic. When Northwestern football fan, Bill Werner, initially crashed the tailgate, it appeared relatively ordinary. “I wandered into a backyard and started eating the nearest hot dog,” said Werner. “Next thing I knew, the meth pipe was in my hand.” “The Northwestern fans started out chanting
Frat Attracts Early Morning Tailgaters with Continental Breakfast
“I felt like I was dining in a Holiday Inn Express and not freezing in a muddy backyard covered with tarps and half-empty beer cans.”
Northwestern Required to Provide Eight Metric Tons of Corn for Nebraska Football Team to Graze
Northwestern obliged with a long-standing Big Ten policy and provided the Cornhuskers with eight metric tons of corn to satisfy the team’s so-called “craze for the graze.”
Pat Fitzgerald: Honestly, I Just Tell the Boys to Go Score Some Points, and Sometimes It Works
“I needed to find a way to make sure we won games,” Fitzgerald said, “and then it hit me, what would happen if we just got some points up on the board, and lo-and-behold, here we are today!”