I should have known something was wrong when the premiere wasn’t even in the Cathedral of Christ the Saviour — our tickets lied to us. I mean — come on — how long does it take to set up a venue?! They’ve been building the thing since 1812, for Christ’s sake!
Mhapiro was a last-minute addition to the debate, entering with black dye dripping down his forehead and frantically reading a sheet of paper that had the words “hip slang the kids are using” Sharpied at the top.
His savvy entrepreneurship made him the BANE of the Union Pacific Railroad!
Hear me, readers and friends, and hear me well! I have found, through multitudinous encounters and experiences, that women aplenty — particularly those born after the year 1666 — know to do little more than consume stew, water thine horses, and blaspheme!
They are a plague on this campus – the likes of which have never been and will never be seen again.
I conducted a completely unbiased poll sent exclusively to other lonely singles, and—sure enough—we have a scourge of couples on campus.
“I was trying to find the perfect outfit to show Lucas from language arts that I’m, like, totally random and adorkable!”
This is Hubert Parsley (class of ’20), speaking to you live on-air from the newly-repurposed Telegraph Room in Deering, Northwestern’s only library.
“By the time it went to voicemail sixteen hours later, spores were already growing out of her corpse.”
Speaking of safety, these active couples aren’t putting it first. But are we really surprised that they’re avoiding protection when they already have a hard time keeping their masks above their noses? Let’s cut them some slack. After all, it’s just not the same with a mask on.