Protected: Op-Ed (John Jameson Perspective): Just an “I am Weed” Guy Looking for My “You Smell Like Weed” Girl
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Author Archives: Allison Rauch
From the Archives: Young Girl Collapses From Too Much Deliberation About Whether To Wear the Arctic Monkeys AM Shirt with Black Tights or the Lorde Shirt with Gray Tights to Show Lucas From Language Arts That She’s Not Like Other Girls
“I was trying to find the perfect outfit to show Lucas from language arts that I’m, like, totally random and adorkable!”
Local Woman Who Cried During Asynchronous Journalism Lecture on The West Wing Doing Just Fine, Why Do You Ask?
“When I tried to give her a tissue, she started crying about how Dulé Hill was underutilized. I don’t know where she’s getting all this from. She’s only seen four episodes, and it was during her eighth-grade speech and debate class.”
In Devastating “Boy Who Cried Wolf” Scenario, Elder Residents Perish in Dorm Fire
“Turns out the twenty-third time’s the charm.”
Ask Flippy: How Do I Tell People I’m a King Julian Sun, Maurice Moon, and Mort Rising?
But I’ve already done my birth chart, Flippy, and it’s bad! King Julian sun, Maurice moon, and Mort rising? How am I supposed to get any pussy with a Mort rising?
Jousting Club Endorses J&J Vaccine: “One Jab Shall Do It!”
“Too long hath these Pfizer and Moderna knaves parried with the virus. They flash thine fancy swords and dance around in thine gilded boots, but those swine’s art COWARDS. Sir Johnson shall end it all in a single blow!”
New Study Reveals 90% of Men Have Biological Need to “Just Add Onto That Point”
The study, conducted amongst top-ten ranking schools in collaboration with the Collective of United Mansplainers (CUM), revealed interesting neurological and physiological responses triggered in the male brain.
Mini Humidifier Working Hard
“My face is flakier than Northwestern’s male population, and my knees and elbows are so cracked that James Franco could get trapped down there for 127 hours.”
Area Woman Sustains Freak Accident: Breaks Neck, Back, Pussy, and Crack
“We got a little too excited, I slipped on some frozen geese shit, fell onto the rocks, and that was that.”
Ask Flippy: How Can I Love Myself If I’ll Never Be as Pretty as the 500 Degrees Pizza Crust?
It stares at me smugly, knowing it single-handedly motivated me to seek CAPS.