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Category Archives: Sci/Tech

Student Found Sobbing After Astronomy Midterm: “I’M A FUCKING SCORPIO, OKAY?”

October 26, 2023 Natalie Roots-Nowakowski Leave a comment

Lost in the backrooms of Tech, student Aurora Borealis was found breaking down on floor 2, wing Z, hallway θ, inlet ♥, in closet ✴. After being carted to the nearest CAPS office, she admitted what was troubling her: her recent astronomy exam. Unfortunately, there were no zodiac sign questions in sight for this solemn Scorpio. Even after Professor Smutko had made it abundantly clear on day one that it would not be an astrology class, some people were too

Read more Featured, Latest News, Local, No. 374, Sci/Tech, Year 16

Two Roads Diverged in A Yellow Wood and My Wife Left Me: Poems By Willie Loman

March 10, 2022 Olatunji Osho-Williams Leave a comment

A new TikTok trend has gained popularity with men over forty and anyone suffering under late-stage capitalism. The #poemsbywillieloman trend went viral after account posted a series of videos of him speeding home while violently shaking his head to the beat of Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO, with this poem written in the caption:

Read more Featured, No. 345, Sci/Tech, Uncategorized, Year 14

From the Future: And One Best Buy Account to Rule Them All

February 20, 2022 Adam Leif Leave a comment

One day you’ll inherit the BestBuy account passed down from my father before me, and his father before him, all the way back to the great Steve Zucherberg Bezos Trump — and those discounts and deals will carry you to old age, despite our living in squalor in the Dust Wake

Insecure Cold Boyfriend to Purchase “Longer Johns”

February 8, 2022 Allison Rauch Leave a comment

“It’s like long johns, but longer”

Read more Featured, Local, No. 342, Sci/Tech, Year 14

Lonely Flappy Bird, Older Now, Waits Hopefully for Owner to Reopen App After Four Years of Solitude

December 7, 2021 Ilana Arougheti Leave a comment

He has also been practicing his speed and acrobatic skills, the agent reported, just in case the reason you left him was because he wasn’t good enough at flying. The bird swears he’s better now, even though he’s developed grey feathers and cataracts, and will be so much more fun to be around if you would just start visiting him again.

New study by Nestle-Kroger-Mills-Kraft-Heinz conglomerate finds shoveling sugar into mouth at relentless pace actually good for you

November 22, 2021 Izzy Lisco Leave a comment

The research, fondly dubbed the “Sweet Saccharin Study” undoes decades of anti-dextrose discourse. Doctors everywhere are reading the Sweet Saccharin Study with bewilderment, quitting their jobs, and wondering how they got it so wrong.

Read more Articles, Featured, Nation, No. 336, Sci/Tech, Year 14

Northwestern Implements New Rectal COVID Testing

October 16, 2021 Flippy Leave a comment

Northwestern Administration figured there may as well be an enjoyable experience at the end of the long-ass wait.

Read more Featured, Local, No. 331, Sci/Tech, Year 14

Disturbing New Study Shows Placing Head Inside Running Microwave Oven May Be Linked to Cancer

June 1, 2021 Xanthe Brown Leave a comment

Putting one’s head inside a running microwave could allegedly, maybe, possibly cause cancer.

Read more Articles, Featured, No. 329, Sci/Tech, Year 14

Obit: Local Student Found Dead After Being on Hold with Residential Services About Mold in Bobb for 17 Hours

April 8, 2021 Flippy Leave a comment

“By the time it went to voicemail sixteen hours later, spores were already growing out of her corpse.”

Read more Articles, Featured, Issue 14, Local, No. 321, Sci/Tech, Year 14

New Study Reveals 90% of Men Have Biological Need to “Just Add Onto That Point”

March 3, 2021 Allison Rauch Leave a comment

The study, conducted amongst top-ten ranking schools in collaboration with the Collective of United Mansplainers (CUM), revealed interesting neurological and physiological responses triggered in the male brain.

Read more Featured, International Women's Day, Sci/Tech, Year 13

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