Schill rejoins a modern faculty comprised primarily of AI lecturers, sentient Lakefill geese and tenure-track professors kept alive on a combination of virgin blood and spite.
After his first ten years in the Shadow Lands between human consciousness and the turbulent, virus-ridden hivemind underscoring the entire known universe, the Hat Man even returned to Bain for six months as an executive recruiter.
Do you REALLY know what your kidneys do, anyway? Here’s to never finding out.
As it turned out, one entire book of state quarters doesn’t even cover a Plan B pill, even if the Michigan quarter is from 1962.
The new track features a sick freestyle verse from Greta Thunberg, remixed over the death wails of a choking sea turtle.
“We needed someone to buy us beer,” said Josie Cuervo, a junior. at Stuyvesant High School. “Then my friends and I heard Leo DiCaprio was sniffing around for younger women to date. Seemed to me like this might be the beginning of a beautiful partnership.”
Students who can’t turn that frown upside down after 3 CAPS appointments will receive vouchers for free flower.
The aging emo recently announced that his “band,” Panic! at the Disco, will disband after two generations so Urie can embark on the study-abroad journey of a lifetime in Barcelona.
4. Fossil Fuel and Fracking Rig
Divest from YOUR morals tonight, as long as you stay north of Tech. Pro tip: crude oil makes for a fantastic waterproof eyeliner.
I’m just looking for a valid, down-to-earth betty who can hold my hand, both at Naturdays with the boys and on the campaign trail. Everyone knows you’re a stronger candidate with some hot wife material behind you. Plus, I still haven’t found anyone who’s willing to lay out my clothes the night before like my mom used to do – and also kiss me with tongue the way I hope my mom never does.