NHL Draft Takes Fatherās Precedence Over Sonās First Call Home in a Monthļæ¼
Now enter the local Wildcatās dad. Who has the goddamn nerve to call the house on a Tuesday night? His son!
Category Archives: Latest News
Mung Chiang Ranks as “Second-Best Chiang Considered for Northwestern President” (Kai-shek)
Similarly to how the Heavenly Sovereign Schill was only the 18th pick to run Northwestern, Mung Chiang was seemingly not the boardās first pick this time either. In fact, another famous Chiang was the preferred option. Who was that Chiang? None other than Kai-Shek.
Op-Ed: Why a Good Serving of Rocks Should Be a Part of Every Healthy Meal
In our current day and age, America is facing health problems that do not have simple solutions. Everywhere you look, health and fitness gurus claim to have found the optimal diet for your health. Well, Iām here to tell you not to listen to any of them. Listen to me. Eat rocks.
Breaking: āWe Are Charlie Kirkā To Be Featured on Just Dance 2027
Definitely-not-AI-generated hit song āWe Are Charlie Kirkā by celebrated artist Spalexma will be featured on the 2027 edition of popular video game Just Dance.
Op-Ed: Your baby is literally ugly and I’m not gonna sugarcoat her
Your baby is a blobfish out of water on this here Earth and needs an appointment for a pediatric plastic surgeon. ASAP! And to think you would ask me to sugarcoat her? What kind of messed-up person are you?
Op-Ed: Honestly It Shouldnāt Be That Hard to Avoid Eleven Bread for Eight Days
First of all, what do they mean when they say āeleven breadā? ElevenĀ piecesĀ of bread? Eleven slices? Eleven baguettes?
Op-Ed: Which Chipette is best to perform at your divorced dad’s birthday party?
The Chipettes are sunshine and rainbows with a side of pizzaz. TheyāreĀ furry,Ā but theyāre notĀ furries, making them perfectly dad-appropriate. And they have just enough sass to entertain a man who has lost his personality and the love of his life.
Flipside attendance skyrockets after Timothee Chalamet says “no one cares about The Northwestern Flipside anymore”
At its most recent meeting, the Northwestern Flipside had record attendance. Hundreds of students crammed into Kresge 2415, eager to write satirical headlines, but, more importantly, to teach a lesson to none other than Timothee Chalamet. The peak in attendance came after Chalametās controversial comment about The Flipside, where in an interview he said, āI donāt want to be involved with The Flipside, or things where itās like, āHey, keep this thing alive!ā Even though itās like, no one cares
UN Peacekeepers Briefed On Disturbing Emergence Of Talitubbiesļæ¼
Over the hills and far away, Talitubbies DO NOT come to play. Tinky Winky, Dipsy, maLaalaa and Po are indistinguishable because they are under burkas. Hibatullah Akhundzada rises above the hills of Afghanistan but heās much scarier than ye olā teletubby as he does not have a cute, sexy, raspy British accent. Maybe if he had the accent, shakira law would be more acceptable. Still, hips don’t lie. They are coming for your children. United Nations peacekeepers were reportedly briefed
Op-Ed: As A Disabled-By-Choice Transgender Bisexual Hijabi Anglophone Quebecois, I Think Trump Is Doing A Pretty Good Job
Comrades,I never thought Iād say this, but lately I find myself noddingāhijab and allāat policy speechesthe reactionary francophone bourgeoise tell me Iām supposed to hate. As a disabled-by-choice,transgender bisexual hijabi anglophone QuĆ©bĆ©cois, Iāve slaved to create an attention-grabbingand deeply flawed political identity, and now I think Iāve found my soulmate.Take trade, for instance. Iāve long opposed free trade agreements because of how they exploit thedomestic proletariat and raise oat milk prices, so when a politician finally started talking abouttariffs, I