Category Archives: featured

Sarge Permanently Adds “Goop” and “Slop” to Rotating Menu

Sargent dining hall, perhaps the most controversial of them all, may be making a comeback. According to a statement from the dining hall’s public relations officer, Mildred Williams, they will be adding several new dishes to the rotating menu, including “goop” and “slop”. “We have heard your pleas,” said Williams, referring to recent protests outside of Sargent by the student group Nutrition Undergraduate Team (NUT). “In response, there will be goop and slop for all”. Additionally, Williams announced a new

Center for Enlightened Disagreement Defuses FlyDubai Hijacking

An altercation on a FlyDubai flight from Dubai to Tel Aviv threatened to bring the plane down if not for the intervention of a representative from Northwestern’s Litowitz Center for Enlightened Disagreement. The Center’s assistant director, Ned Kumbaya, says he was en-route to Tel Aviv to “sort out all that stuff” when he heard sounds of a fight coming from the cockpit. “I rushed to the front of the plane when I heard some disagreement that didn’t seem very enlightened,”

Deshaun Watson Links Recent Browns Success to Philanthropy Efforts

Following the Cleveland Browns 3-1 start to the 2026 NFL season, their best start since 2021 and the first time the team has been in sole control of first the lead in the AFC North since 2014, quarterback Deshaun Watson attributed the team’s success to their attempts to give back to the community. “I’m a big believer in karma,” Watson remarked following the team’s 27-24 victory over their AFC North rival in the Pittsburgh Steelers. “I truly believe that all