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  • After Success Of Barbenheimer, Studios Prepare For Next Creation: “Bratz-Jong Un”

    “We have much more in store,” the studios commented, “including a limited-edition Kim Jong Un Bratz doll with matching missile accessories.”

    Read more
  • NUFB Says Mayo Tub Fight Night “Not Hazing, Just Business”

    Despite outcry from many current and former students, NUFB claims that its most recent scandal — Mayo Tub Fight Night — was “not hazing, just business”.

    Read more
  • From The Future: University President Finally Emerges From Deep Freezer After Ill-Fated Chill With Schill Event

    Schill rejoins a modern faculty comprised primarily of AI lecturers, sentient Lakefill geese and tenure-track professors kept alive on a combination of virgin blood and spite.

    Read more
  • “I Pivoted”: The Moment Offset’s Dillo DJ Realized Northwestern Was A PWI

    To save the day, he turned to one of his playlists titled “Tighty Whities,” a term he created to describe songs that white people, who still use the word “tight,” think are “tight.”

    Read more
  • From the Future: Mandela Reagan Potter, You Were Named for Two of the Bravest Men I Ever Knew

    Named for Nelson Mandela, who helped lead the anti-apartheid movement in South Africa and worked fervently towards equality; and for Ronald Reagan, who ensured that my father’s generational wealth would stay where it belonged — in the family — rather than going to the dirty poors

    Read more

Latest in Nation

After Success Of Barbenheimer, Studios Prepare For Next Creation: “Bratz-Jong Un”

September 27, 2023

“We have much more in store,” the studios commented, “including a limited-edition Kim Jong Un Bratz doll with matching missile accessories.”

Read more

University Wonders Why Students Didn’t Check Emergency Alert Posted To YikYak Immediately After Shooting

April 14, 2023

In a press conference, President Michael Schill expressed surprise at the criticism.

Read more

Disney Adult Disaster: Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Scroogepublicans Suspend Two Daisycratic Representatives Over Mouseketool Protest Participation

April 11, 2023

“It’s not fair to think that taking away people’s rights to a Mouseketool is justified,” Scroogepublican Speaker of the House Cameron Pete said. “I mean, sure, they’ve led to the deaths of thousands upon thousands of both children and adults. But what’s that in comparison to sweet, sweet Benjamins lining my pockets? Those uppity Daisycrats should learn some respect for our fine governing body — and the financial benefactors whose gracious hand controls all policy.” 

Read more

Gwyneth Paltrow Wins Ski Trial, Proving That You Can Never Separate A White Woman From Her Snow 👃

April 10, 2023

After being accused of purposely running into a man while skiing, actress Gwyneth Paltrow was found innocent of

Read more

Latest in Local

From The Future: University President Finally Emerges From Deep Freezer After Ill-Fated Chill With Schill Event

June 8, 2023

Schill rejoins a modern faculty comprised primarily of AI lecturers, sentient Lakefill geese and tenure-track professors kept alive on a combination of virgin blood and spite.

“I Pivoted”: The Moment Offset’s Dillo DJ Realized Northwestern Was A PWI

June 2, 2023

“This Is My Dream School It’s Sooo Beautiful Here,” Class Of ’27 Commit Posts On Snapchat After Taking Picture Of A Particularly Nice Path

May 18, 2023

Investigation Uncovers University President Michael Schill’s Spotify Account Featuring Playlists Titled “songs to listen to while my administration guts student org funding <3" and "sCHILL vibes"

May 16, 2023

Latest in Opinion

Op-ed: The Growing Collection of Mold in My Water Bottle Has Gained Consciousness and Claimed Me as Their Leader

May 13, 2023

Like Horton, no one seems to believe that the collection of mold in my water bottle has gained consciousness and claimed me as their leader.

Op-Ed: Why Crumbing Your Nature Valley Granola Bar On The Floor Of Shepard Lounge Promotes Job Security

May 4, 2023

Op-Ed: Bisexuals, Stop Dressing Your Boyfriends In Earth Tones, This Campus Looks Like Hobitton

April 26, 2023

I’m Watching, I’m Learning, I’m Listening: My Thoughts on Cock Fighting

April 11, 2023

Latest in Ask Flippy

Ask Flippy: Which Soul Currently Inhabits You?

April 5, 2023

Do I need to call a lawyer?

Ask Flippy: What Comes After The “Hands On Head” Portion of the Macarena? I Have A Wedding in 2 Hours

January 13, 2023

Ask Flippy: Kamala Harris Ghosted Me on Wednesday Morning After I Sent Her $100. Am I Being Too Eager?

November 15, 2022

Ask Flippy: (From Math Student) Where On Canvas Are These Taylor Series Due At Midnight And Why Do I Need Apple Music To Solve It?

November 2, 2022

Latest in Entertainment

As Climate Crisis Intensifies, Jonas Brothers Re-Release Hit Song As “Year 2100″

March 3, 2023

The new track features a sick freestyle verse from Greta Thunberg, remixed over the death wails of a choking sea turtle.

New York High Schoolers Compete to Date DiCaprio: “We Need Someone to Buy Us Beer”

March 2, 2023

Director Christopher Nolan Releases 5th Chinese Spy Balloon in Order to Create a World War III Film Without CGI

February 20, 2023

Penguins of Madagascar Arrested on RICO Charges

January 30, 2023

After Success Of Barbenheimer, Studios Prepare For Next Creation: “Bratz-Jong Un”

September 27, 2023 Kyra Lesmerises Leave a comment

“We have much more in store,” the studios commented, “including a limited-edition Kim Jong Un Bratz doll with matching missile accessories.”

Read more Articles, Featured, Latest News, Nation, No. 371, Year 16

NUFB Says Mayo Tub Fight Night “Not Hazing, Just Business”

September 24, 2023 Adam Leif Leave a comment

Despite outcry from many current and former students, NUFB claims that its most recent scandal — Mayo Tub Fight Night — was “not hazing, just business”.

Read more Featured, Latest News, No. 371, Sports, Year 16

From The Future: University President Finally Emerges From Deep Freezer After Ill-Fated Chill With Schill Event

June 8, 2023 Ilana Arougheti Leave a comment

Schill rejoins a modern faculty comprised primarily of AI lecturers, sentient Lakefill geese and tenure-track professors kept alive on a combination of virgin blood and spite.

Read more Featured, Latest News, Local, No. 370, Year 16

“I Pivoted”: The Moment Offset’s Dillo DJ Realized Northwestern Was A PWI

June 2, 2023 Caitlin Carr-Smith Leave a comment

To save the day, he turned to one of his playlists titled “Tighty Whities,” a term he created to describe songs that white people, who still use the word “tight,” think are “tight.”

Read more Featured, Latest News, Local, No. 369

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