“No, The COVID Swab Doesn’t Really Go Into Your Brain. Trust Me, I’d Know,” Says Local Man Once Abducted By Aliens

“These aliens, their probes went up my nose directly into my brain, and sucked big pink chunks of it out into an examination tube. I actually only have half a brain now.”

3 weeks ago
Sad White Guy Has a Guitar and is Making it Everyone’s Problem

“Campus police have had to confiscate or outright destroy over 70 acoustic guitars in the name of aural preservation.”

3 weeks ago
Local Woman Unsure What Eye Color to Put on Driver’s License Because Her “Eyes Actually Change Colors”

“I used to think they change based on my mood, but now I think they actually change with the phases of the moon,” she continued.

4 weeks ago
Former PBS Kid Goes Wild on Election Night, Tries Processed Sugar

Raised on a steady diet of Curious George and hand-cut carrot sticks, Montessori reportedly decided to turn to the sweet relief of processed, chemical-laden sugary snacks as a management tactic for his election anxiety.

4 weeks ago