Northwestern Flipside

“These aliens, their probes went up my nose directly into my brain, and sucked big pink chunks of it out into an examination tube. I actually only have half a brain now.”

“Campus police have had to confiscate or outright destroy over 70 acoustic guitars in the name of aural preservation.”

“I used to think they change based on my mood, but now I think they actually change with the phases of the moon,” she continued.

Raised on a steady diet of Curious George and hand-cut carrot sticks, Montessori reportedly decided to turn to the sweet relief of processed, chemical-laden sugary snacks as a management tactic for his election anxiety.