NHL Draft Takes Fatherâs Precedence Over Sonâs First Call Home in a MonthïżŒ
Now enter the local Wildcatâs dad. Who has the goddamn nerve to call the house on a Tuesday night? His son!
Category Archives: Articles
Mung Chiang Ranks as “Second-Best Chiang Considered for Northwestern President” (Kai-shek)
Similarly to how the Heavenly Sovereign Schill was only the 18th pick to run Northwestern, Mung Chiang was seemingly not the boardâs first pick this time either. In fact, another famous Chiang was the preferred option. Who was that Chiang? None other than Kai-Shek.
Op-Ed: Why a Good Serving of Rocks Should Be a Part of Every Healthy Meal
In our current day and age, America is facing health problems that do not have simple solutions. Everywhere you look, health and fitness gurus claim to have found the optimal diet for your health. Well, Iâm here to tell you not to listen to any of them. Listen to me. Eat rocks.
Breaking: âWe Are Charlie Kirkâ To Be Featured on Just Dance 2027
Definitely-not-AI-generated hit song âWe Are Charlie Kirkâ by celebrated artist Spalexma will be featured on the 2027 edition of popular video game Just Dance.
Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei on War Ceasefire: âJesus Christ Is My One True Lord and Saviorâ
Reporting from Tehran, Iran. Although the outbreak of war between the United States and Iran seemed destined to happen since the late Ayatollah Ali Khamenei came out in support of the full release of the Epstein files, less easily predicted was President Trumpâs recent reversion to the Islamic Faith by reciting the Shahada on his Truth Social account. Not to be outdone, however, the new Supreme Leader of Iran and son of Ali Khamenei, Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei, publicly announced his conversion to Christianity by proclaiming
Op-Ed: Your baby is literally ugly and I’m not gonna sugarcoat her
Your baby is a blobfish out of water on this here Earth and needs an appointment for a pediatric plastic surgeon. ASAP! And to think you would ask me to sugarcoat her? What kind of messed-up person are you?
Op-Ed: Honestly It Shouldnât Be That Hard to Avoid Eleven Bread for Eight Days
First of all, what do they mean when they say âeleven breadâ? Eleven pieces of bread? Eleven slices? Eleven baguettes?
Op-Ed: Which Chipette is best to perform at your divorced dad’s birthday party?
The Chipettes are sunshine and rainbows with a side of pizzaz. Theyâre furry, but theyâre not furries, making them perfectly dad-appropriate. And they have just enough sass to entertain a man who has lost his personality and the love of his life.
These Are the Best Weights to Be
What weight should you be? This ever-salient question women around the world have debated since time immemorial, and men around the world have debated since Clavicular hit that guy with a Cybertruck last December.
Flipside attendance skyrockets after Timothee Chalamet says “no one cares about The Northwestern Flipside anymore”
At its most recent meeting, the Northwestern Flipside had record attendance. Hundreds of students crammed into Kresge 2415, eager to write satirical headlines, but, more importantly, to teach a lesson to none other than Timothee Chalamet. The peak in attendance came after Chalametâs controversial comment about The Flipside, where in an interview he said, âI donât want to be involved with The Flipside, or things where itâs like, âHey, keep this thing alive!â Even though itâs like, no one cares