Morty Sends Mass Text: “Pull up 4 vaccine, $5 for dudes, ladies free all night”
“I got a vaccine plug from a buddy of mine in Kappa Delta Moderna, and I was just looking to get lit, get wild, and vaccinate some shawties,”
Category Archives: Articles
Johnson & Johnson Releases Brand New “No More Clots” Shampoo
This new line of shampoo claims to offer the same gentle cleaning and exfoliating properties of regular shampoo, without any of the life-threatening circulatory issues.
Norris Gives All 200 Vaccine Doses To Single Football Player
“I feel fucking amazing,” said Jaxmaxon, whose arms, swollen from the several hundred syringe pokes he received, eclipsed every other part of his body. “This is the physique I’ve been working toward for years now.”
How to Take Him Seriously After You Saw Him Wrestle His Hammock on the Lakefill for 20 Minutes and Then Lose
Maybe he’s never had any trouble getting it up before.
Ever Given Leaves Suez Canal Swiftly After Northwestern Theater Majors Appeared on The Scene to Perform Avant-Garde Scene Study
The blockage presented a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity: an audience that physically could not leave.
Ask Flippy: So, am I Buying My Own Uber, or Are You Going to be a Gentleman?
I’m writing this in a public newspaper editorial because I don’t really feel comfortable giving you my number.
Obit: Local Student Found Dead After Being on Hold with Residential Services About Mold in Bobb for 17 Hours
“By the time it went to voicemail sixteen hours later, spores were already growing out of her corpse.”
Local Student Rests After Long Day of Mansplaining in the Class of 24 GroupMe
“I was a double legacy, so I would definitely say that I know more about Northwestern and being on campus than my peers.”
Jousting Club Endorses J&J Vaccine: “One Jab Shall Do It!”
“Too long hath these Pfizer and Moderna knaves parried with the virus. They flash thine fancy swords and dance around in thine gilded boots, but those swine’s art COWARDS. Sir Johnson shall end it all in a single blow!”
Northwestern Learns from Winter’s Mistakes, Doesn’t Even Try to Enforce Wildcat Wellness This Time Around
Wildcat Wellness is supposed to reduce community interaction after Spring Break, but so far, all it’s done is force everyone to hang out in the room of that one girl who went to Miami.