Desperate Black Friday Shoppers Pry Clothes from Sweatshop Children’s Small Little Fingers
69 sweatshop workers, of which 68 were lazy, slacking children, were reportedly trampled, maimed, or otherwise injured during the event.
Category Archives: Articles
3 Ghosts Visiting You This Christmas Eve Would LOVE It If You Could Fill Out This Really Quick Psych Survey on Your Drinking Habits
The paranormal need to sample your drinking tendencies doesn’t care for your school’s non-denominational winter break one bit.
Breaking: Kellogg Study Finds COVID Had Impact on Humans
“We cannot definitively say whether the impact of COVID was positive or negative, only that it existed” said lead researcher Daniel Hamphery. “Honestly if you guys could spread it around some more that would make it much easier for us to see what’s up in the future.”
From the Archives: Brangelina Might Be Divorcing, But At Least John Mulaney and Anna Marie Tendler are Together
“The bond that John and Anna Marie share is akin to that of a chemical bond between two francium atoms — unbreakable.”
10 Fall Sweaters that Say “The Crop Yield is Scarce and My Eldest Daughter’s Dowry is Not Enough to Attract a Viable Suitor”
“This trendy sweater can come in an array of colors and patterns to nail your socioeconomic struggles to a tee. Warm tones give off a sense of tension between the ugly, puppy-kicking, businessy businessman and the sensitive farmhand that Eloise has fallen truly, madly deeply in love with.”
Op-Ed: Why I decided to let my pre-med friend perform my appendectomy in the Slivka common room
She so brilliantly did a quick WebMD search for me.
Ask Flippy: Help! I Can’t Write Essays Anymore Without the White Noise of Violent Coughing. What Should I Do?
But what’s even crazier is that it seems like my work is at its peak when the coughs around me are particularly nasty. Or in simpler terms: the wetter the better!
As Thanksgiving nears, uncles everywhere read a balanced variety of news, re-evaluate political beliefs, and challenge biases; nation heals
Older relatives across the United States are expanding their horizons.
Ask Flippy: Did I Get a Registration Hold Because I Didn’t Wish Morty a Happy Halloween?
You fucked up. You really fucked up.
New study by Nestle-Kroger-Mills-Kraft-Heinz conglomerate finds shoveling sugar into mouth at relentless pace actually good for you
The research, fondly dubbed the “Sweet Saccharin Study” undoes decades of anti-dextrose discourse. Doctors everywhere are reading the Sweet Saccharin Study with bewilderment, quitting their jobs, and wondering how they got it so wrong.