Call me the president of Haterville, or call me the motorman of truth. The name doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you know that your baby is ugly. I would say hideous, but I’m feeling nice, so I’ll leave it at ugly. Your baby is a blobfish out of water on this here Earth and needs an appointment for a pediatric plastic surgeon. ASAP! And to think you would ask me to sugarcoat her? What kind of messed-up person are you? I understand that your baby is supposed to be a powdered donut for Halloween, but she would look better as the Pillsbury Doughboy. Or the Michelin Man! Or Momo if Momo were a big, fat, ugly baby!

I will never sugarcoat your baby. Even if I am the best baby costume designer this side of the Volga. I don’t even know what kind of sugar I’d use to coat your baby. White sugar would be too translucent, and then I could still see your ugly baby underneath. Brown sugar would exfoliate the baby’s snake-like, scaly skin a little bit, but then your baby would be all dirty, which is already a problem we’re facing. It’s useless. No kind of sugar can make your baby any less ugly. The sugar can’t hide the truth, and besides, your baby already looks like the human personification of diabetes.