“I feel fucking amazing,” said Jaxmaxon, whose arms, swollen from the several hundred syringe pokes he received, eclipsed every other part of his body. “This is the physique I’ve been working toward for years now.”
Category Archives: Local
How to Take Him Seriously After You Saw Him Wrestle His Hammock on the Lakefill for 20 Minutes and Then Lose
Maybe he’s never had any trouble getting it up before.
Obit: Local Student Found Dead After Being on Hold with Residential Services About Mold in Bobb for 17 Hours
“By the time it went to voicemail sixteen hours later, spores were already growing out of her corpse.”
“I was a double legacy, so I would definitely say that I know more about Northwestern and being on campus than my peers.”
“Too long hath these Pfizer and Moderna knaves parried with the virus. They flash thine fancy swords and dance around in thine gilded boots, but those swine’s art COWARDS. Sir Johnson shall end it all in a single blow!”
Northwestern Learns from Winter’s Mistakes, Doesn’t Even Try to Enforce Wildcat Wellness This Time Around
Wildcat Wellness is supposed to reduce community interaction after Spring Break, but so far, all it’s done is force everyone to hang out in the room of that one girl who went to Miami.
Couple with COVID Probably Having Hot Quarantine Sex in Plex, You’re Having Dining Hall Chickpeas On a Friday Night
Speaking of safety, these active couples aren’t putting it first. But are we really surprised that they’re avoiding protection when they already have a hard time keeping their masks above their noses? Let’s cut them some slack. After all, it’s just not the same with a mask on.
Ask Flippy: Do You Want to See Me Insert This Swab Only an Inch Into my Nostril and Swirl 15 Times? Would You Like That?
“Picture this fever-inducing, body-aching, taste-and-smell-removing scenario in your head, and let me know what you think.”
Some have attempted to contact the professor through the Zoom chat in the vain hopes he knows what that is or how to check it—but, unfortunately for the students, the odds of this happening are slim to none.
“We are always looking for more ways to engage the student body in capitalist brainwashing.”