Disaster! Roommate Who Calls Shoes “foot prisons” Begins Caucasian Loc Journey

You never thought it would happen to you. You thought your roommate was just a little ditzy. Sure he calls shoes “foot prisons,” and yeah, you’re pretty sure his diet is just chia seeds and ayahuasca. But now he’s announced something heinous. He, a man as white as fresh fallen dandruff, is starting his own loc journey.

Locs have a rich culture dating back to ancient Egypt. It is a protective hairstyle worn by African Kings, devout Rastafarians, and now, apparently, white men who exclusively wear hemp underwear. Maybe the fumes from his annual Burning Man trips gave him brain damage, but your roommate is now intent on growing his own locs. And no, they do not look good.

This isn’t his first foray into cultural appropriation: his henna tattoos, his djembe drum lessons, and his Navajo headdress–all things he says are okay because “the universe only sees one race.” Again, this is a guy paying full tuition with his dad’s Lockheed Martin paycheck. The best plan of action means marching into his bedroom, taking away his rose quartz dreamcatcher, and shaving his stupid head, but the smell of calcified foot fungus is a barrier to anyone with working sinus passages. The only consolation is that his aggressive male pattern baldness will probably sort the issue out for you in a year or two.

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