But seriously, even just writing about it, I am completely freaking out right now.
Author Archives: Zoe Kulick
Unintelligible Numbers In Water Bottle Filler Screen Actually Ancient Hieroglyphics Leading to the Holy Grail
“Who cares about the environment?!” he shouted from his hospital bed. “I’m trying to save all of humanity!”
If everyone sees you staring at my butt, they’ll know I’m on my period and that would obviously be the worst possible thing to happen to me or anyone in the history of time for reasons I’m unaware of, but I’d for sure have to drop out of school, so can you please just do this for me?
End of Spring Quarter Ranked Number 1 Time Period for Publicly Calling Everyone “Hags” and Receiving No Backlash or Angry Looks
Ah spring, the perfect time for soaking up amazing weather, picnicking by the beach, and publicly insulting large groups of people with sexistly-charged insults and not receiving any backlash.
The seat that is always left open for his imaginary friend was just usurped by a mere passer-by who’s obsessed with watching baby boys get their foreskin cut off. What a creep!
Op-ed: Regular Social Media Doesn’t Fuel My Superiority Complex Anymore, So You Can Now Only Find Me on Goodreads and Letterboxd
It’s important to me that when people stalk me on the internet they think “Wow, I bet she really understands the importance of symbolism,” and “Do you think she actually followed what was going on in ‘Inception,’ because it kind of seems like it?”
Ask Flippy: Do You Think my Bitmoji is Hotter than Me? I Feel Like my Bitmoji is Hotter than Me. Ok, Fuck-Marry-Kill, ready? Me, my Bitmoji, and Jake from Subway Surfers.
As someone whose celebrity crush is Flynn Rider—in his animated form, not like a human-version—I can kind of understand the Bitmoji appeal. But I can’t handle that little bitch being hotter than me, so I need your input.
Op-ed: Studies Show Seasonal Depression Affects Nearly 99.99% of College Students…Not Me, I Have a SAD Lamp. Y’all Stay Safe Though
I have heard nothing but complaints from my friends about not being able to do their homework, or get out of bed, or take a shower, or look at themselves in the mirror for more than three seconds. But not me! I’m absolutely perfect.
Ask Flippy: Help! I Can’t Write Essays Anymore Without the White Noise of Violent Coughing. What Should I Do?
But what’s even crazier is that it seems like my work is at its peak when the coughs around me are particularly nasty. Or in simpler terms: the wetter the better!
… and an email informing her that the math department had no choice but to fail her for all current and future classes.