Like Horton, no one seems to believe that the collection of mold in my water bottle has gained consciousness and claimed me as their leader.
In response to Northwestern’s historically low acceptance rate this year, the administration has taken drastic measures regarding how they will hand out the coveted, and now very minimal, class of 2026 spots to those on the waitlist.
Sadly, there were no willing men and, more importantly, no willing sperm.
“In high school, I was lucky if my dad could remember my best friend’s name or what grade I was in. Now, we talk for hours on the phone about our favorite players on the team and he knows absolutely everything about them. It’s crazy!”
The odds that your professor has done something problematic that has ended up online are incredibly high. All you need to do is find the evidence.
According to Northwestern’s football coach, this torture was deliberate. During the off-season, he has turned to emotional tactics to try and get the Northwestern football team out of their slump.
But seriously, even just writing about it, I am completely freaking out right now.
“Who cares about the environment?!” he shouted from his hospital bed. “I’m trying to save all of humanity!”
If everyone sees you staring at my butt, they’ll know I’m on my period and that would obviously be the worst possible thing to happen to me or anyone in the history of time for reasons I’m unaware of, but I’d for sure have to drop out of school, so can you please just do this for me?
Ah spring, the perfect time for soaking up amazing weather, picnicking by the beach, and publicly insulting large groups of people with sexistly-charged insults and not receiving any backlash.