New Year New Me: How to Get Off the Sex Offender’s Registry And Onto The Dean’s List In Seven Specific Steps

If you’re anything like me, this past December you found yourself on more than just Santa’s nice or naughty lists, but also the Illinois State Sex Offender’s registry. Ruh roh. Here’s how to get off the sex offender’s registry and onto the dean’s list in seven specific steps.

Unfortunately, I recently found myself in a situation I never thought possible; facing the consequences of my own actions. Ever since Panera Bread bought Tech Express, I had been dying to try their charged lemonade. Imagine my surprise when mid sip I was informed that the Lemonade had already claimed two lives, a body count far beyond the comprehension of any Willardite. I did the only thing imaginable; in an attempt to purge the poison from my system I made myself gag with a compostable spoon and hurled into a bread bowl. Due to the perceived “sensuality” of the incident, the state of Illinois demanded I announce my residence to every man and woman in the town of Evanston.

Now that you’ve heard my story, let me tell you yours, how you can redeem yourself like I have.

  1. Go where no one has gone before, Chapin Hall, and find the dreaded list master, fifth year student Roman “Ocean Water” Paulino (you don’t want to know).
  2. Correctly answer his three riddles, each one more grueling than the one before it.
  3. After gaining access to his computer with illegal access to all Illinois state documents, replace your name with Ocean Water’s while he isn’t looking (he probably belongs on it anyways).
  4. Sneak into the Plex mailroom. The first step of phase two, and this one is going to be hard. Sneaking into the locked mailroom after hours is nearly imposs- oh wait they left it open.
  5. Seal yourself in a questionably large cardboard box addressed to the office of the Dean. Please refrain from arousing any suspicion by marking the box “fragile.” Whatever happens happens and we’re just going to have to accept this.
  6. Allow a confused yet ultimately indifferent sophomore to assume you landed there by mistake and deliver you right into the hands the dean.
  7. Safely emerge from the package, and calm the concerns of the dean by letting him know you’re his new intern, Parker Jessica Sarah, and you were passed a mysterious note in LR3 declaring the academic supremacy of your true identity. Attached of course is your impenetrable report card, a letter of rec from your roommate, a picture of Tyler Perry, and 35 dollars.

If you’re as resilient, brave, and uncoordinated as I am, you too can restore your former glory and then some. And did I mention that the mandatory community service hours can still go on your med-school applications? Feinberg, here I come!

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