When I was but a wee lad of three, I watched a National Geographic documentary about dinosaurs, as many soon-to-be bullied children do. Unlike other children, however, I sought to learn the secrets of a healthy diet from our prehistoric ancestors.

For most of my life, I had been subjected to various dietary advice from my parents. “Eat your veggies,” my mom would tell me, “And you’ll grow big and strong.”

Well, what if I don’t want to grow big and strong, mother? What then? Luckily, the apatosaurus had an answer for me. The 70-foot reptile had discovered a secret for a healthy diet that called to me the second it crossed my screen: eating rocks.

You see, dear reader, the apatosaurus used to swallow large, smooth stones to sit in its stomach and grind its food to prime it for digestion. It is an unparalleled tragedy that the common practice of rock-eating ended when that asteroid crashed down thousands of years ago, and it is our duty to bring back this lost art.

In our current day and age, America is facing health problems that do not have simple solutions. Everywhere you look, health and fitness gurus claim to have found the optimal diet for your health. Well, I’m here to tell you not to listen to any of them. Listen to me. Eat rocks.