Author Archives: Caroline Altschul

UN Peacekeepers Briefed On Disturbing Emergence Of Talitubbies

Over the hills and far away, Talitubbies DO NOT come to play. Tinky Winky, Dipsy, maLaalaa and Po are indistinguishable because they are under burkas. Hibatullah Akhundzada rises above the hills of Afghanistan but he’s much scarier than ye ol’ teletubby as he does not have a cute, sexy, raspy British accent. Maybe if he had the accent, shakira law would be more acceptable. Still, hips don’t lie. They are coming for your children. United Nations peacekeepers were reportedly briefed

Diddy laments with cellmate Maduro: “my oil also got snatched”

In what legal experts are calling an “unlikely but thematically coherent” meeting of disgraced music mogul Sean “Diddy” Combs and former Venezuelan president Nicolás Maduro were overheard commiserating with over the loss of their respective oil reserves. According to sources familiar with the matter, the two men—now housed in the same federal detention facility—bonded over what Combs described as “the experience of watching something viscous, valuable, and deeply personal get taken from you by forces you don’t respect.” “For him,

Student Punished for Line Violation at Porno Pizza; Hammurabi’s Code Invoked.

On Wednesday afternoon, a female student at Porno Pizza committed the grave error of approaching the personal pie line while intending to order a slice. Eyewitnesses report that she was immediately seized and escorted to the rear of the establishment, where staff administered the punishment prescribed by the Porno Code, an adaptation of Hammurabi’s ancient legal statutes codified in grease-stained laminate. According to witnesses, the student pleaded for leniency. “I just wanted a slice,” she reportedly said. “I didn’t know.”