Category Archives: Headline

Area Horse Girl Purposely Misses First Three Shots In P-I-G, Demands We Play H-O-R-S-E Instead

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Okay there we were, St. Incitatus Elementary. Sarah’s got the ball. Right under the hoop, granny stance set. It’s gotta be the easiest shot of her life, and she has three chances. P-I-G. That’s the name – er letters of the game. Invented by John Scarne in 1945, PIG has been a hallmark of PE fun ever since. Oddly enough, history purports Scarne and his gang of troubled youth would play the game with dice. That doesn’t make sense. We

Read more Featured, Headline, Latest News, No. 378, Politics, Sports, Uncategorized, Year 16

CBS Execs Confirm R-Rated “Young Sheldon’s Big Bang” Coming March 2024

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Despite the ongoing SAG-AFTRA strike, CBS executives have announced that “Young Sheldon” star Iain Armitage will appear in an R-rated spinoff movie, “Young Sheldon’s Big Bang”, in March 2024. The movie will feature Armitage as an eighth-year super senior rushing a frat, boofing a keg, and subsequently finding the love of his life in the cancer ward of a hospital. CBS Chief Marketing Officer, Watchmi Mouvi, explained the network’s thought process behind the movie. “You know, when it comes down

Read more Entertainment, Featured, Headline, Latest News, No. 372, Politics, Year 16

Op-Ed: As a 30-Year Old Man Who Lives in His Parents’ Basement, Parasite Really Spoke to Me

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I’ve read other film critics reviews spouting out nonsense about how the movie was a masterful display of how capitalism pits societal classes against each other, but I don’t believe this was really the major point of the film. I understood Bong Joon-ho’s message that middle-aged people who live in their parents’ basement should get the same respect as everyone else.

Read more Entertainment, Featured, Headline, No. 299, Opinion

Op Ed: If Improv is About Saying “Yes” Then Why Did Every Group Say “No” to Me?

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As any new Northwestern student who googles “what is improv” five minutes before their audition knows, the only rule to the Chicago-founded comedic art form is saying “yes.” But if that’s the case, then why did every improv group on campus say “no” to me? I’m talking Titanic, Mee-Ow, ODB, The Bix, even the Panini Players. They all said “no.” I didn’t even get a single callback. I say they’re a bunch of hypocrites. If they were really committed to the

Read more Featured, Headline, No. 287, Opinion, Year 12
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