NUFB Says Mayo Tub Fight Night “Not Hazing, Just Business”
Despite outcry from many current and former students, NUFB claims that its most recent scandal — Mayo Tub Fight Night — was “not hazing, just business”.
Author Archives: Adam Leif
From the Future: Mandela Reagan Potter, You Were Named for Two of the Bravest Men I Ever Knew
Named for Nelson Mandela, who helped lead the anti-apartheid movement in South Africa and worked fervently towards equality; and for Ronald Reagan, who ensured that my father’s generational wealth would stay where it belonged — in the family — rather than going to the dirty poors
Hot Dog, Hot Dog, Hot Diggity Dog! Goofy Trapped In Industrial Oven At Keebler Factory
Goofy, the beloved ensemble member of Disney’s Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and various other properties, has been trapped inside of an industrial oven at the Keebler Factory. The titular performer and father of one called 911 at 8:32 A.M this morning, emergency services shared. This strange circumstance follows weeks of tension and political hostility in Florida, where Governor Ron DeSantis has attempted to uproot the Walt Disney Company by removing their tax exempt status and arresting a Stitch mascot, who was
Disney Adult Disaster: Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Scroogepublicans Suspend Two Daisycratic Representatives Over Mouseketool Protest Participation
“It’s not fair to think that taking away people’s rights to a Mouseketool is justified,” Scroogepublican Speaker of the House Cameron Pete said. “I mean, sure, they’ve led to the deaths of thousands upon thousands of both children and adults. But what’s that in comparison to sweet, sweet Benjamins lining my pockets? Those uppity Daisycrats should learn some respect for our fine governing body — and the financial benefactors whose gracious hand controls all policy.”Â
RETROSPECTIVE: The Brutal Reign of Despot Tyrant Xanthe Brown
“It vill [sic] be the start of something new,” an anonymous source close to the president (herein called Kizzy Illian) shared. “My comrades and I seek the liberation of all members of the Flipside and Northwestern at large; and with support from those directly involved with the Supreme Leader, we believe she will be ousted summarily.”
“She Really Ate!” Local Student Actor Consumes Infant On Stage
“She really ate!” SESP sophomore Chi L’Dvour exclaimed. “I mean, I was expecting another sleepy Shanley production, but this Saturday midafternoon was the tastiest time I’ve had in a while!”
Ask Flippy: I Burned My Finger On Lean Cuisine Steam. Should I Amputate?
Steam is hotter than boiling water, after all: who knows what kind of damage I sustained…
From The Prehistoric Archives: OOGA OOGA ROAR The Existence Of A Capitalist State Relies Fundamentally On The Exploitation Of Those Who Participate But Are Not Allowed To Excel In The System Governing Their Lives
DINOSAUR GO! One must question the system I expect we shall soon find ourselves operating beneath — a system in which the oligarchs of society control the upper echelon outside of the laws binding those beneath them.
From The Archives: Oh, Foul, Oh, Cruel! Ten Homesteads To Avoid This Hallow’s Eve (For They Giveth Gruel)
Take a risk, and eat your fear, but know your early death lies here…
EXPOSÉ: Xanthe Brown, Despot and False President
What is this, literally 1984? Fuck you. Fuck off. Fuck.