EXPOSÉ: Xanthe Brown, Despot and False President
What is this, literally 1984? Fuck you. Fuck off. Fuck.
Author Archives: Adam Leif
Report: Lamb’s Blood on Area Man’s Door “Not a Religious Thing, Just Leftovers from Dinner”
While EPD has concluded that the lamb’s blood mark was “no threat to person or property” in the neighborhood, forensics experts will still “thoroughly investigate the area for signs of lice, flies, locusts, and corpses of firstborn children.”
From the Author: Help, Please. Get Me Out of Here. I’m Stuck At This Permalink
God, what a strange week I’ve had.
From the Future: And One Best Buy Account to Rule Them All
One day you’ll inherit the BestBuy account passed down from my father before me, and his father before him, all the way back to the great Steve Zucherberg Bezos Trump — and those discounts and deals will carry you to old age, despite our living in squalor in the Dust Wake
From the Daily: News News News, News News News. We Write News! This is a Headline!
Whenever I see an email from the university, I think about it. Then I decide that I have to do something about it, and that the support of 70 of my peers out of thousands will be a large enough group to bring about change or adequate resistance
Elmo Escalates Feud by Declaring War on Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
Johnson decided to step into the ring with the furry three-and-a-half-year-old, saying that he’ll be “coming to Sesame Street to kick ass and eat cookies, and he’s all out of cookies”
From the Archives: Brangelina Might Be Divorcing, But At Least John Mulaney and Anna Marie Tendler are Together
“The bond that John and Anna Marie share is akin to that of a chemical bond between two francium atoms — unbreakable.”
Ask Flippy: Is Kidnapping and Arson Going Too Far for a Guaranteed Win at Bob’s Trivia?
“You and all our readers know that I take a particularly hard stance on crime — more specifically, that it’s often the best way to make some good of a bad situation!”
From The Archives: Doth She Yearn for Me or Merely Desire Mine Livestock?
Hear me, readers and friends, and hear me well! I have found, through multitudinous encounters and experiences, that women aplenty — particularly those born after the year 1666 — know to do little more than consume stew, water thine horses, and blaspheme!
Ruh-Roh! Scooby Doo Found Dead in Fatal Van Accident at 52
The accident occurred at approximately 3:00 A.M. in what first responders are calling “a blatant breach of car safety laws” and a result of “some kind of drug-induced hysteria”.