Hot Dog, Hot Dog, Hot Diggity Dog! Goofy Trapped In Industrial Oven At Keebler Factory
Goofy, the beloved ensemble member of Disney’s Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and various other properties, has been trapped inside of an industrial oven at the Keebler Factory.
The titular performer and father of one called 911 at 8:32 A.M this morning, emergency services shared. This strange circumstance follows weeks of tension and political hostility in Florida, where Governor Ron DeSantis has attempted to uproot the Walt Disney Company by removing their tax exempt status and arresting a Stitch mascot, who was marked an “illegal alien.”
“[We’re] going to win on every single issue involving Disney. I can tell you that.” DeSantis said when approached by the Flipside. “These muffin-scarfing, no-pants-wearing fucks won’t supercede the power vested in me by Floridians to strip disenfranchised peoples — and Disney — of their rights.”
DeSantis began to levitate and glow a bright red, prompting reporters to flee the scene in a panic.
Critics are unsure as to whether Goofy’s entrapment is retaliation by the state of Florida against Disney or by Disney itself for his expression of “controversial” views.
“Well gawrsh, I couldn’t say what mean old DeSantis and the Mouse are up to!” Goofy shared through the ten-inch-thick glass. “All I know is that Max recently spoke with me about his approach to sexuality, so I decided to become a more vocal proponent for the El Gee Bee Tee Queue [sic]. But you know, despite their differences, DeSantis and Disney have never really been on the side of the people. Ah, hyuck, that made them raise the temperature again, huh?”
As reporter Notta Bijot left the scene, the oven had risen from 102°F to 108°F.
When asked for comment, Disney stated that “it must be those pesky Keebler Elves — that’s the real group behind all sin in this country.” They did not share why some other group was picked out as the perpetrator of this crime despite overwhelming evidence that either they or DeSantis are responsible.
As a trustworthy and established publication, the Flipside did not inquire further. Instead, a new investigative report into the greedy, terrible Keebler Elves and how they must be the source of all evil has been set for release in the coming days.