MIAMI, FL – Miami Marlins ownership was shocked this week to learn not only does Ozzie Guillen speak English, but that people can actually understand what he is saying. It was only after this already shocking revelation that Marlins Owner Jeffery Loria realized that Guillen praised one of the world’s worst dictators. “We specifically hired a manager who could speak the language of our players,” Loria said. “We did not realize he also spoke English.” “It’s pretty disappointing,” Loria added.
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“We here at Unity and Peace (For All White, Straight, Christians [excluding Catholics]) Church believe that it is just unconstitutional to have a Muslim president,” Jones said. “Not to mention he’s not even an American Citizen!”
EVANSTON—In a press release issued late last week, a previously unknown coalition of Northwestern students from California and Florida announced that they would be suing the University for “misuse of the word ‘spring’.” This legal action comes after the discovery that weather during Spring Quarter was neither warm nor sunny. “It’s just not fair,” whined a member of the group who spoke to The Flipside on condition of anonymity. “When I saw the words ‘Spring Quarter,’ I assumed that it