Category Archives: No. 80

Student Assigned Rhetorical Analysis of Paper Written While Drunk

EVANSTON – Northwestern English professor Shelby Anderson debuted a joint policy between the NU English Department and the Evanston Police Department last Thursday. Students who turn in essays they clearly wrote while intoxicated must now analyze their paper’s diction, syntax, structure, and tone in the context of their drinking. The first person to be affected by the policy is Weinberg sophomore Daniel O’Connor, the author of a “totally incoherent” paper on the short story “Araby” from James Joyce’s Dubliners. Anderson

Golden Corral Protests Buffet Rule

RALEIGH, NC — President Obama is making the “Buffet Rule” a large part of his reelection campaign, but this proposal has met an unexpected challenger in Golden Corral, famous for its delicious buffets. James H. Maynard, chairman of the corporation, released a statement protesting Obama’s plan of minimum payments from those who are able to consume the most. “Obama’s Buffet Rule is nothing but discrimination. We oppose the President in his work to place an unfair burden on our heaviest

Facebook Already Planning to Coat Everything in Shitty Sepia Filters

PALO ALTO, CA – Following a billion-dollar acquisition of popular photo-sharing app Instagram, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has announced a complete overhaul of Facebook’s user interface featuring Instagram’s characteristic “vintage” filters. The new interface will be launched without any warning to users within the next week. “This may be the biggest re-design we’ve ever done,” Zuckerberg declared from Facebook’s Palo Alto headquarters. “Expect some major Instagram integration in the coming days. Like pictures of lakes at sunset? There’s gonna be

Marlins Owners Disappointed to Learn People Can Understand What Ozzie Guillen is Saying

MIAMI, FL – Miami Marlins ownership was shocked this week to learn not only does Ozzie Guillen speak English, but that people can actually understand what he is saying. It was only after this already shocking revelation that Marlins Owner Jeffery Loria realized that Guillen praised one of the world’s worst dictators. “We specifically hired a manager who could speak the language of our players,” Loria said. “We did not realize he also spoke English.” “It’s pretty disappointing,” Loria added.