Chiefs And 49ers Have “Worked it Out,” Super Bowl Cancelled This Year
Sports around the world are built on tradition: fans boo and jeer at opposing teams, tailgate for hours before each game, and sometimes cause between $500 and $5M in damages and expenses, win or lose. But rules are made to be broken, as the Chiefs and 49ers have illustrated through their agreement to not compete in Super Bowl LVIII.
“We’ve never seen anything quite like this before,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “I mean, people spend all year praying their team makes it to the Big Game. Hell, I’ve seen Jets fans bash their firstborn children on rocks to break what seems like a generational curse. But two teams coming together and working it out? Unprecedented.”
Despite outcry from fans and haters alike, the a Chiefs spokesperson told the media that “it’s just a lot of work for one day” and “really, [they’re] doing the world a favor by preventing food waste from untouched Super Bowl spreads.”
Chiefs’ tight end Travis Kelce took to his and his brother Jason Kelce’s podcast New Heights to clear up some of the controversy.
“Man, there’s such good dudes on both our teams. It’d be a shame to damn near kill a guy like Arik Armstead over some ball.”
Jason Kelce was less committed to the sentiment, noting that “it doesn’t matter much to [him] when douchebags like Adam Schefter ruin shit for everyone anyways.”
CBS and Paramount have opted to replace the programming block with a recording of Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour Tokyo performance interspersed with clips of grown men slamming their heads against brick walls, as it’s basically the same thing anyways.