The ScrubDaddy is the greatest thing to grace this Earth since the SquattyPotty which is the greatest thing since air conditioning. When God created Daddy, soap squirted and bubbles blew. That was long ago, but more recently, ScrubDaddy found his Eve.

ScrubMommy is a straight-up hottie. Pretty and usually pink. When she’s not, that’s okay; all colors are welcome. She has Daddy’s original scrubber, but also a sponge side because women are the modded version of men. She’s dual-sided because women are two-faced. Can’t trust ‘em. It’s a woman’s job to clean so at least Mommy’s physical attributes make it easier for her to do. She can clean faster and get to making dinner.

We aren’t here to get woke. We’re here to celebrate a new life. Born on April 20th, 2024, at a healthy 5 grams, ScrubBaby burst from his mother’s mouth hole, looking like a donut hole version of his larger donut Daddy. Their face is stripped with scrub and sponge properties, which is extremely inefficient but super cute. ScrubMommy and Daddy want to prevent pedophiles from putting their fingers inside Baby’s hole, so ScrubBaby is not yet on the market. When they finally come of age, Baby will be perfect for cleaning delicate saucers, teacups, and other things only white people own.

ScrubBaby isn’t as ergonomic as their parents. That’s for the best because if they were fit to work, they’d be sent right to the dishwashing assembly line. Not that child labor is cool or anything, but their little fingers- never mind. Sponges don’t have fingers.

Anyways, we want to send our congratulations to the hardworking ScrubFamily. We look to all new additions. Bath time definitely goes crazy, can we get an invite?