QUIZ: Which Great American Tragedy Are You?
When you took all those Buzzfeed personality quizzes back in 2014 (or five minutes ago), you always wished there was one that accounted for the long-lasting ramifications of American history.
Author Archives: Caitlin Carr-Smith
Despicable Me 4 Trailer Reveals Minions Led The January 6 Attack
This past Sunday, Universal Pictures released the trailer for Despicable Me 4, revealing not only the studio’s plan of milking this franchise until its teats fall off, but also the minions’ participation in the January 6 attack on the US Capitol. Recovered security tapes shows the small tic-tac-shaped insurrectionists using their overwhelming numbers to create a living ladder to scale the Capitol’s outer fences and swarm security personnel. There is also footage of the minions replacing historical artwork with humorless
Op-Ed: I Feel Like the Google Logo Gives Good Head
One word. Six letters. You probably glance at them every single day before you look up whatever depraved topic is on your mind—but do you really SEE them?? I do. I see them. I see the greatness of the Google logo, and its potential for continued greatness, specifically in the line of work that is oral pleasure. Firstly, listen to the name itself. Google. Such a pleasant repetition of sounds in a unique combination. It’s a treat to roll the
Book Ban Takes Effect at Schoolhouse Rock
Famous for its groundbreaking junction of education, music, and, um, junctions, the iconic educational institute Schoolhouse Rock has come under fire for its recent book ban. The administration has begun removing a variety of books from shelves that they have deemed to be harmful to the student body, including To Kill a Mockingbird and “Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, Get Your LGBTQ+ Here.” In a press conference on Tuesday, the Principal of Schoolhouse Rock, Dr. Justin A. Bill, stated, “Our children should
Backyardigans Lose Backyard to Gentrification
“It doesn’t matter if you’re a yellow hippo or an orange moose or a pink anthropomorphic insect thingy—no one deserves to get kicked out of their home.”
Ambitious Theatre Major To Put On Unabomber Musical
he project, tentatively titled “Blow Me,” will be a jukebox musical that covers the true story of Ted Kaczynski sending two homemade bombs to Northwestern University in 1978 and 1979.
“I Pivoted”: The Moment Offset’s Dillo DJ Realized Northwestern Was A PWI
To save the day, he turned to one of his playlists titled “Tighty Whities,” a term he created to describe songs that white people, who still use the word “tight,” think are “tight.”
Top 10 Sexiest Food Mascots
The siren is the type of girl who stays awake long into the night for thought-provoking conversations, painting her feelings using ground coffee beans and lost dreams, and embarking on cannabis-infused sexual escapades. But be warned: you will probably have to go with her to the march to save fat squirrels, or whatever social justice crap she’s into that week.Â
Gwyneth Paltrow Wins Ski Trial, Proving That You Can Never Separate A White Woman From Her Snow 👃
After being accused of purposely running into a man while skiing, actress Gwyneth Paltrow was found innocent of wrongdoing this week, ensuring white women will always have the right to have snow up their nose. This decision comes after a furious legal battle in which the plaintiff claimed that his senses had been dulled after the collision, citing his inability to taste or smell wine. The plaintiff also stated that he could no longer participate in his other “cultural activities,”
VeggieTales Officially Incorporated into Biblical Canon
Diehard supporters of the Eucharist reject the pious produce, claiming that the only food group that can be connected to God is flaccid bread.