Despicable Me 4 Trailer Reveals Minions Led The January 6 Attack
This past Sunday, Universal Pictures released the trailer for Despicable Me 4, revealing not only the studio’s plan of milking this franchise until its teats fall off, but also the minions’ participation in the January 6 attack on the US Capitol.
Recovered security tapes shows the small tic-tac-shaped insurrectionists using their overwhelming numbers to create a living ladder to scale the Capitol’s outer fences and swarm security personnel. There is also footage of the minions replacing historical artwork with humorless Facebook memes, killing aides with bananas execution-style, and forcing Nancy Pelosi to listen to their singing for two hours straight.
The minions’ current boss Gru has publicly condemned the actions of his henchmen and terminated their employment contract. “You know, I am an evil guy. I am raising my gorls to be evil. But seeing my employees surpass me in evil is unacceptable!”
The federal government is seeking to press charges against the minions but have been unable to locate them for the past thirty-six months. Several tips have come in of sightings in Vladimir Putin’s offices in Russia but are as of now unconfirmed.
It is unclear as to why these yellow creatures chose to forsake the red, white, and blue, but longtime nemesis Vector says he isn’t surprised by their actions. “They’ve worked for Napoleon. They worked for Hitler. They’ve committed murder, theft, and war crimes. Why stop at insurrection? Honestly, if they hadn’t been part of January 6, it probably would’ve destroyed their credibility.”