Gwyneth Paltrow Wins Ski Trial, Proving That You Can Never Separate A White Woman From Her Snow 👃
After being accused of purposely running into a man while skiing, actress Gwyneth Paltrow was found innocent of wrongdoing this week, ensuring white women will always have the right to have snow up their nose.
This decision comes after a furious legal battle in which the plaintiff claimed that his senses had been dulled after the collision, citing his inability to taste or smell wine. The plaintiff also stated that he could no longer participate in his other “cultural activities,” such as bullying the Starbucks barista for getting his order wrong and clapping on airplanes. (Yes, dear reader, you are correct: this man identifies as white.)
A skier who had been on the mountain that day spoke as a witness to defend the vagina candle business mogul, wholeheartedly swearing that, “it may be that Ms. Paltrow and this man collided, but that’s because she’s a shit skier. I mean, she had a finger up her nose the whole time. She is nowhere near talented enough to purposely crash.”
Paltrow is apparently already back on the slopes, snorting lines with a celery stick—sorry, I meant to say skiing ALPINE from the CHAIRLIFT. She was spotted skiing while sipping bone broth out of a Camelback on a black diamond run, which are known to have the best powder.
She also reportedly has selected her next film role as the lead in an upcoming gender-bent Scarface reboot to be titled Snowflake. An insider close to the actress gives an inside scoop: “Gwyneth now truly understands what it means to be persecuted, just as Tony Montana was, and can bring an edge of realism to the role.” To prepare, she is planning to go full meth head—I mean, method, and start practicing a New-Age breathing exercise called “blow.”