After being accused of purposely running into a man while skiing, actress Gwyneth Paltrow was found innocent of wrongdoing this week, ensuring white women will always have the right to have snow up their nose. This decision comes after a furious legal battle in which the plaintiff claimed that his senses had been dulled after the collision, citing his inability to taste or smell wine. The plaintiff also stated that he could no longer participate in his other “cultural activities,”
Tag Archives: Snow
Several well-bundled witnesses claim that bystanders celebrated as the irritating brat began shivering uncontrollably on the sidewalk, an event which took place as a moderately severe snowstorm struck the Chicagoland area.
Local authorities have been unable to calculate just how many people have missed the first few minutes of class where the professor tries to get students’ attention without being rude but estimates are running in the tens-of-thousands.
The stress of impending finals is taking a hard toll on McFrostkins. “I haven’t had time to laugh and play in weeks,” he said. “And I keep hearing this strange beating noise in my head—thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump thump—it’s driving me mad.”
EVANSTON — After opening the lockout-shortened NHL season with the first set of games on Saturday, officials from the Norris University Center have sent an urgent plea to NHL commissioner Gary Bettman to cancel more games, citing the need for “ice maintenance.” Norris issued a press release that stated, “Our ice-readiness experts have spent years studying the advanced science of what is frozen water and what is not. It is their belief from viewing the NHL’s Saturday games that these
Plex Sealed in by Snow; Residents Fail to Notice
EVANSTON – On April 22, members of Northwestern’s Happiness Club dissolved their organization due to the 34 degree weather. For some context, it was 78 at Emory, 84 at Rice, and 69 at Vanderbilt at the time the decision was made. Just saying. “It just wasn’t worth it anymore,” said former Happiness Club president Ben Ulman. “I don’t even know if there is such a thing as happiness when it’s grayer outside than the area in the Protess situation.” The