Thousands Still Late to Class after Cold Catches Evanston Completely Prepared

EVANSTON — While horrific reports of the Southern snowstorm Optimus Destructivus continue to dominate national news—Georgia Governor Nathan Deal is, as far as we can tell, unaware of the alphabetical storm naming system adopted by meteorological authorities—many other places seriously affected by winter storms and (ahem) polar vortices have fallen completely off the news radar.

Here in Evanston, thousands of students have been late to class every day for several weeks, reluctant to abandon their often-shitty-but-still-warm dorms, venturing fearfully into the frozen tundra only under the threat of clicker questions. Local authorities have been unable to calculate just how many people have missed the first few minutes of class where the professor tries to get students’ attention without being rude but estimates are running in the tens-of-thousands.

Head-of-Everything-at-NU Morton Schapiro ordered the NU football team to shovel a path for the excessively crowded Frostbite Express shuttles, which slowly and unreliably transport South Campus students to the Technological Mental Institute, but emphatically affirmed the players were students first and not employees. Dining halls prepared and distributed hundreds of college-style MSREs, or meals sort of ready to eat, at several stations on campus.

Weinberg junior Anna Christoffersen said she’s long since abandoned reading weather reports, since there is no reason to believe it won’t be cold and windy for another two weeks.

“There are a lot of people who are really scared,” she said, “especially all the Southern freshmen who neglected to bring winter gear of any kind.”

Aerial photos of the area appear to show faceless puffy aliens, somewhat humanoid in behavior and appearance, all up and down Sheridan Road. They seem to lack intelligence and are most adept at jaywalking and avoiding eye contact.

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