Guest columnist Jonathan Swift proposes a simple and effective solution to Chicago winters: student bonfires.
“It pained me to leave that student behind. The expression on his face as I drove away is frozen into my mind. I see it every time I close my eyes. I can’t sleep at night. I’m a failure,” said the shuttle.
President Putin has graciously permitted athletes to wear flame-retardant clothing, but notes that only pussies will do so.
“The Bible says I said ‘let there be light,’ not ‘let there be Ken Ham,’” God wrote in a brief statement to the press.
A well-informed fashionista with her own fashion tumblr, she was aware of the stigma surrounding the garment. However, for once in her damn life, she decided her safety was more important than fashion.