Heartwarming: The Kid Who Always Wears Shorts In Snowy Weather Hospitalized For Hypothermia
EVANSTON — Cheers broke out at Evanston Hospital on Thursday after that annoying little shit who always wears shorts during the wintertime was rolled into the building’s intensive care unit on a stretcher. The obnoxious douche was diagnosed with hypothermia after collapsing on Sheridan Road earlier that day.
Several well-bundled witnesses claim that bystanders celebrated as the irritating brat began shivering uncontrollably on the sidewalk, an event which took place as a moderately severe snowstorm struck the Chicagoland area.
“He always wears that Canada Goose jacket,” remarked Jenny Tayla, a Northwestern student dressed in a sensible number of layers. “He’s obviously cold if he has to wear that giant-ass coat. I don’t get it. Nobody wants to see your legs.”
An ambulance arrived several minutes after the incident, where first responders reluctantly treated the nuisance’s injuries. In response to this disappointing yet legally-mandated display of medical attention, the Specialized League of Osteopaths and Physicians of Illinois announced they were considering amending the Hippocratic Oath to avoid a repeat of the day’s events. The amendment proposal would remove the requirement to care for the sick if an ironic fate has befallen the victim.
In a press release, SLOPI Head Reesi Ver said, “no healthcare professional should be forced to endure the painstaking practice of providing medical attention to a person victimized by their own hubris.”
In the meantime, disgruntled doctors continue to care for the irksome fucker. Much to the dismay of Northwestern faculty and students, hospital staff reported he is in “stable condition” and expected to make a full recovery.