Category Archives: No. 76

Local Middle School Holds “Stand Awkwardly in the Corner” Marathon

EVANSTON – A local Evanston middle school has issued its response to Northwestern’s Dance Marathon. With the fundraiser right around the corner, the school board has decided to organize a Stand-Awkwardly-In-The-Corner Marathon to benefit the B+ Foundation. This esteemed charity, chosen by the local PTA, helps fund childhood cancer research, a cause the middle schoolers described as “ugh, whatever, mom.” Students were asked to raise money for the charity but fundraising efforts were minimal as the participants prepared for the

New CTEC Categories to Include Quality of Rec Letters, BS Tolerance

EVANSTON – Recent aesthetic changes to the Course and Teacher Evaluation Council (CTEC) will be followed up with entirely new categories at the end of Winter quarter, according to one Registrar administrator. “We were getting complaints from the students that teachers and classes weren’t accurately reflected by prior CTEC scores,” Alice Andrews told Flipside reporters. “We submitted a survey to a good portion of the student body and will soon add new categories that better reflect what NU students look

ESPN Adds Department Devoted Exclusively to Morally Questionable Commentary

BRISTOL, CT – ESPN, cornerstone of respectable sports media that it is, has succeeded in maintaining a level of support for recent phenom Jeremy Lin that accurately represents Americans’ appetite for poorly disguised stereotyping. This success can be attributed to ESPN’s recent decision to take on analysts specializing in commentary that has just the right amount of political correctness. Said one of the new ESPN employees, “Lin was a perfect candidate because, well, let’s face it, he’s really only slightly

Obama’s Plan to Grow Handlebar Mustache Meets Quick GOP Backlash

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama unveiled Tuesday a dramatic new vision for the future of his facial hair. Standing imperially at a podium in the East Room of the White House, Obama announced to the nation, “Today, my face is clean-shaven; my mustache is nonexistent. America, I have decided that this is unacceptable. I have grown the economy the past few years, creating hundreds of thousands of jobs. But I have created nothing on my upper lip. This will all

Aging Obama Makes White House Wheelchair Friendly

Washington – The only thing more obvious than President Barack Obama’s high probability of being re-elected in November is the gray hair he has grown in recent months. With certain victory ahead, Obama will need to retool the White House if he hopes to live through four more years of a grueling presidency. In a 60 Minutes segment, a visibly tired Obama panted to a reporter, “I think it’s fairly obvious that I’m going to be re-elected – I mean,