Author Archives: Dan Lesser

Limbaugh Regrets ‘Slut’ Insult, Really Meant To Say ‘Whore’

NEW YORK – Rush Limbaugh has been attacked from all sides for his reaction to Georgetown student Sandra Fluke testifying in front of Congress in favor of women’s rights, in which he called Fluke a ‘slut’. In a brilliant PR move, Limbaugh retracted his earlier statement, saying, “I was wrong to say what I did. She isn’t a slut for trying to advance her beliefs through peaceful means, which was well within her natural rights; she’s more like a whore.”

ESPN Adds Department Devoted Exclusively to Morally Questionable Commentary

BRISTOL, CT – ESPN, cornerstone of respectable sports media that it is, has succeeded in maintaining a level of support for recent phenom Jeremy Lin that accurately represents Americans’ appetite for poorly disguised stereotyping. This success can be attributed to ESPN’s recent decision to take on analysts specializing in commentary that has just the right amount of political correctness. Said one of the new ESPN employees, “Lin was a perfect candidate because, well, let’s face it, he’s really only slightly

Aging Obama Makes White House Wheelchair Friendly

Washington – The only thing more obvious than President Barack Obama’s high probability of being re-elected in November is the gray hair he has grown in recent months. With certain victory ahead, Obama will need to retool the White House if he hopes to live through four more years of a grueling presidency. In a 60 Minutes segment, a visibly tired Obama panted to a reporter, “I think it’s fairly obvious that I’m going to be re-elected – I mean,

Frat Kicked off Campus for Forcing Pledges to Go to Class

EVANSTON – Three years ago, Northwestern fraternity Epsilon Delta Upsilon was put on probation for what the University described as “academic harassment”. Apparently, the warning wasn’t enough, as the fraternity has been disbanded for unspecified transgressions as of earlier this afternoon. This marks the third time in ten years that a fraternity has been kicked off campus for incidences of hazing. Although hazing rituals are all but a universally accepted truth in fraternity life, faculty and students alike are shocked

Evanston Community Bemoans the End of Bemoaning TKOE

EVANSTON – The slew of Facebook posts, video homages, and other means of gratuitous whimpers regarding the recent revoking of the liquor license of beloved local bar ‘The Keg of Evanston’ has slowly wound down, much to to the dismay of patrons of the bar. Collectively, the complaints about Mayor Tisdahl’s decision to revoke The Keg’s liquor license, which have lasted nearly 3 months, have become an event in and of themselves that has overshadowed the actual closing of the