Frat Kicked off Campus for Forcing Pledges to Go to Class

EVANSTON – Three years ago, Northwestern fraternity Epsilon Delta Upsilon was put on probation for what the University described as “academic harassment”. Apparently, the warning wasn’t enough, as the fraternity has been disbanded for unspecified transgressions as of earlier this afternoon. This marks the third time in ten years that a fraternity has been kicked off campus for incidences of hazing. Although hazing rituals are all but a universally accepted truth in fraternity life, faculty and students alike are shocked at the extent to which EDU has violated all boundaries of unforgivable behavior.

No specific details have come to the public eye, but the University issued a statement in a press release this afternoon. “Too many students have been coerced into situations that they would under no other circumstance be willing to endure,” Dean of Students Burgwell Howard declared. “That a Northwestern student would want to impose such disgraces upon another Northwestern student is astounding, and certainly grounds for suspension of charter.”

A former pledge, who preferred to go unnamed for fear of retaliation, provided a picture of the terrifying abuses. “I’d be talking with a friend,” said the pledge, “and a brother of the frat would walk up to me and be like, ‘Do your homework, all of it, right now, or you’re a pussy!’ What was I supposed to do, say no?”

An older member of the fraternity corroborated the prevalence of this behavior, saying, “They’ve been making kids go to class against their will for years. It’s something that everyone expects when they get to college, but the reality can be hard for some freshman to take. I guess they trained us to accept the mentality that sometimes you have to do things that you hate doing to get to the things you like.”

Said a non-Greek student, “This is exactly why I was turned off by the whole Greek scene. Anyone who would force me to uphold my responsibilities, be accountable for my actions, make the most of the incredible opportunity of having Northwestern-quality professors at my disposal, and grow to become a better person is no friend of mine.”

The hazing was discovered last Thursday when an anonymous tip brought police to an introductory economics class in which an astounding 1/3 of students had actually attended. Officer Kiljoy commented on the brazen exploitation of pledges, saying; “I could see through the door of the classroom that something was off. There were at least 30, maybe 40 students in the 350-person class. They were keeping up normal appearances, fiddling on their smartphones and ignoring the teacher, but still, 40 kids? Ridiculous.”

Inquiries are currently being made to determine whether other fraternities have also contributed to falsely inflating the rate of attendance.

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