In an official statement released last week, a local frat brother has clarified that his body enters “heterostasis” when he sleeps. Thaddeus St. John, a second-year member of Hetta Hetta Rho, put out the official statement last Tuesday after his biology seminar. “It has come to my attention that most people enter a ‘homo stasis’ when they fall asleep,” St. John wrote in the statement, which he posted to his Instagram story on Tuesday afternoon. “I just want to clarify
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“I understand that boys will be boys, but nobody should have to endure the agony of a student a cappella show.”
“As time went on, the constant drunkenness and mild-homoeroticism really made me feel comfortable.”
Per University policy, a travel advisory is in effect for large portions of the frat quad. Students are warned that accepting any free merchandise may result in violence. Last week, Trent Chadwick, WCAS ’21, was found stripped and bound outside of SPAC with a crude mountain range spray painted on his chest.
“We just barely got out of there before Morty’s wrecking ball crew came in and demolished the whole frat quad.”
“When he walked in the room the first day of the quarter and started riffing about Aladdin and magic carpets, I had a feeling he wouldn’t last long,” classmate Shannon Halpert said.
A recent study by the Northwestern University Department of Classics shows that everyone but you is rushing. The study reveals that all of your friends are currently planning on joining a Fraternity or Sorority.
Northwestern Alumni and Father Brett Connors, 52, was caught drunkenly hitting on his daughter at a homecoming party this weekend.
I deeply regret not getting as turnt as I said I did.
What drunken tales haunt thy seats
Of poorly conceived mixer themes
and awkward hookups, or of both,
In Allison or the frat house?
What men or frat stars are these? What maidens put out?