First Half of CDC Meeting Just Rose Bud Thorn
“We were totally gonna get to the whole testing kit thing, but Brandon brought up the point that ending on a thorn lets bad energy into the room,”
Author Archives: Billy OHandley
Northwestern Students Occupy Field to Protest School’s Inaction Against Other Football Teams
“Northwestern’s overreliance on outside zones cannot continue into the second decade of the 21st century.”
No, Taylor Swift is NOT the Highest Grossing Burger King Franchise in the Nation
“Man, I could’ve sworn ten-time Grammy award-winning singer/songwriter Taylor Swift was actually an Evanston-based Burger King making $8,000 a week.”
William Barr to House Democrats: “Do You Like It When I Tease You?”
When asked what he meant by this, Mr. Barr wasted no time responding, saying “mmmmmm those dirty, dirty Democrats want that juicy Mueller report.
Jesus Cancels Another Reunion Tour
While Jesus was unavailable for comment, as he has been for the past two millennia, Pope Francis released a statement on his behalf.
Green Book Writers: “Can We Say It Now? Please?”
“I’m pretty sure this is open and shut. If you need me, I’ll be singing along to my homie Jay-Z.”
21 Savage Shotguns Entire Earl Grey Tea
“Blimey mate! You should’ve seen the look on those copper’s mugs when they budged up to my ID only to see that I’m bloody British. They were positively gobsmacked, I tell you!”
Trump Now Has Complete Set of Happy Meal Toys
“I got them all, folks,” the actual president said to raucous cheers from his unpaid Secret Service guards.
Broken Man Decides He’s Named Seth Now
“Fuck it, I guess my name is Seth now.”
New Hazing Ritual to Involve Attending A Cappella Concert
“I understand that boys will be boys, but nobody should have to endure the agony of a student a cappella show.”