“When I came here, I had a purity score of 100,” attested Annie Eisenbower, McCormick ‘23, “but when I changed into my jammies, after a spirited debate about the role of metaphysics in the world of meta-metaphysics with some colleagues, it went up to 102.”
Category Archives: No. 291
In First Sign Of Progress, Local Kindergartners And Tree Squirrels Agree To Temporary Thanksgiving Ceasefire
The conflict most likely started when Jeremy Jones – the third-stickiest member of his kindergarden class – accidentally wiped his boogers inside the tree where Snuggles usually stores his acorns.
When asked what he liked about Thanksgiving, Winters commented, “I’m not feeling it this year. I mean, politics is crazy: climate change, gun violence, probably something else preventable is happening in Evanston.”
“Y’know, I saw that she wanted me to treat her with a modicum of respect, and I was like, woah bitch, you’re kinda asking a lot. Crazy much?”
“Uncle Bob just drinks consistently throughout dinner, but occasionally he says ‘Cheers!’ and clinks his wine glass and his vodka tonic together before downing both,” says Brenda.
Your Uncle Luis then stood up and took away the bottle of wine and is said to have reassured the room that this was Lydia’s first time drinking since giving birth to your baby cousin, Tommy.
“Basically, if you bring up anything except the weather he’ll start shaking uncontrollably.”
“Northwestern’s overreliance on outside zones cannot continue into the second decade of the 21st century.”
Yes, let me assure you, I will certainly not be getting Disney Plus – or, as I think it should be called, Lib-ney Plus!