McCormick Student Retakes Rice Purity Test, Finds Score Went Up

Before coming to Northwestern, many college students take the Rice Purity Test. The test details a list of actions deemed “impure,” such as illegal, sexual, and otherwise explicit acts. The students mark those which they have performed, with each subsequent act lowering their score from 100. Many McCormick students were shocked upon retaking to test to see that their scores had increased in their time at Northwestern.

“When I came here, I had a purity score of 100,” attested Annie Eisenbower, McCormick ‘23, “but when I changed into my jammies, after a spirited debate about the role of metaphysics in the world of meta-metaphysics with some colleagues, it went up to 102.”

Martin Butler, McCormick ’23, commented, “I understand why people are so obsessed with lowering their score. I once danced without leaving room for Jesus and it changed my life. My score was a strong 99, but now it’s up to 106. I lost my one cool point.”

Owen Hooper, one of the creators for the Rice Purity Test, responded to concerns that the test was broken: “Every action that a McCormick student takes, inherently prevents them from lowering their score. We had to invent new questions inquiring if you bragged about your Microsoft internship or ever orgasmed to complaints about Orgo. Of course, these criteria would add points back.”

Eisenbower has decided to take this news as best as they can, declaring that at least they technically got an A on the test. “I must have been at the top of the curve to get over 100,” claimed Eisenbower, “and getting As is all that matters in life anyways.”

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