Category Archives: No. 269

Not Getting that Chuck E. Cheese Internship is Rock Bottom for Area Freshman

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Area freshman Hugo Baxter officially hit rock bottom Thursday morning after he opened his email only to find a formal letter of rejection for a summer internship position at wildly mediocre children’s entertainment center and restaurant, Chuck E. Cheese. Sources close to Baxter have shared that the Chuck E. Cheese gig was the last hurrah for the McCormick student, after a devastating fall quarter of rejections from all of Baxter’s dream positions at literally every single reputable firm under the

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Virginia Governor: “So What if I Like Ghosts?”

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Virginia Governor Ralph Northam might have more skeletons in his closet than a necrophilic anatomy teacher. Last week a photo from Northam’s yearbook page resurfaced showing two people, one in black face and the other in a Ku Klux Klan hood. Or so it seemed. Shortly after the photo was published, Northam identified himself as the man in white but was quick to defend himself. “I was clearly wearing a ghost costume for a Halloween party. And so what if

Read more Featured, Latest News, No. 269

Northwestern Student Not Invited To Enough Parties To Have Drinking Problem

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Surveys conducted by HPaW reveal that a shocking 31% of Northwestern students have a dangerously low blood alcohol content which coincides with a precipitous decline in the population’s party invites. The social capital of students with functioning livers is apparently critically low. “It’s a self-perpetuating cycle,” Mason Wincheski, Weinberg junior, sighs as he wipes a small paper cut with a disinfectant wipe in the desperate hope to get alcohol into his system. “Everyone knows anyone worth anything has an unhealthy

Read more Featured, Latest News, No. 269

NU administration reminds students to avoid audibly sobbing when in the silent section of Mudd library

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As midterm season begins, the Northwestern administration is reminding students to avoid audibly sobbing when in the silent section of Mudd library. “Please be courteous to your fellow students,” said administration member Adam Harrison. “If you’re going to burst into tears at the thought of how hopelessly unprepared you are for your exam or just because of a general existential dread, please move out of the silent section.” The administration is asking students in the silent section to, at the

Read more Featured, Latest News, No. 269