Op-Ed: I Won’t Watch Captain Marvel Unless She’s Smiling The Whole Time

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. There’s no way you can convince me to watch Captain Marvel unless she has a massive smile on her face for all 2 hours and 12 minutes of the movie’s runtime.

Before you start throwing accusations at me, I want you to know that I’m not a sexist. If I had female friends, I’m sure they’d tell you that. I mean, my favorite Avenger is Black Widow. I like her boobs and her butt and…and…look, the point is, Black Widow is a woman so that proves I don’t hate women. In fact, I love women. Really!

But from what I’ve seen in the trailers for Captain Marvel, I’m not convinced. Sure, she’s a brainwashed, amnesiac alien soldier fighting an intergalactic war, but would it kill her to smile once in a while? The liberals are really pushing their feminist agenda here and it’s making me sick. Real men don’t watch movies for the “plot” and “characters”. We want to see Captain Marvel enjoying herself while saving the universe under intense pressure, but I guess the soy boy cucks behind this movie would rather pander to the other 99% of audiences.

Honestly, this new trend of women not having to smile for me is just really stupid and frustrating. And people are actually buying into this feminist propaganda! It’s not enough that women on the street ignore me when I tell them to smile, now I have to deal with women being serious in my movies too? Movies are supposed to be entertaining, but how can I be entertained if Brie Larson isn’t flashing a smile at me in the audience every time she’s onscreen? I’m telling you, the SJWs are ruining Hollywood by putting their politics into everything!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go shave my neckbeard. After that, I’m going to go bitch about Captain Marvel not smiling on every YouTube comments section I can find.

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