Category Archives: No. 311

This Week’s Horoscopes: Celestial Bodies Predict Future with No Evidence!

The world doesn’t make sense right now and you probably haven’t put on real pants since March—so why bother with “science” and “proof” when nothing seems to work anymore? It’s time to turn to a safe and secure way to predict your future using the method wholly endorsed by Whole Foods shoppers and the aunt who gives you crystals without consent. Find out how your monotonous days of quarantine may soon change below! Aries— Maybe the real vaccine is the

Pfizer Reports Vaccine Effective For 90% of People! Other 10% Contract Chlamydia.

Over the last 8 months, the world has anxiously awaited the development of a cure for COVID-19. However, Pfizer has announced a new vaccine that successfully protects 90% of all people who take it against COVID-19. While many see this as the end-all to coronavirus, others are skeptical over the efficacy of the vaccine. “Ever since I signed up to test the vaccine, my balls have been itching”, said Jay Mast, who asked to remain anonymous, “at first I thought

Local Frat Bro Clarifies His Body Enters “Heterostasis” When He Goes to Sleep

In an official statement released last week, a local frat brother has clarified that his body enters “heterostasis” when he sleeps. Thaddeus St. John, a second-year member of Hetta Hetta Rho, put out the official statement last Tuesday after his biology seminar. “It has come to my attention that most people enter a ‘homo stasis’ when they fall asleep,” St. John wrote in the statement, which he posted to his Instagram story on Tuesday afternoon. “I just want to clarify