Author Archives: Will Conboy

Pfizer Reports Vaccine Effective For 90% of People! Other 10% Contract Chlamydia.

Over the last 8 months, the world has anxiously awaited the development of a cure for COVID-19. However, Pfizer has announced a new vaccine that successfully protects 90% of all people who take it against COVID-19. While many see this as the end-all to coronavirus, others are skeptical over the efficacy of the vaccine. “Ever since I signed up to test the vaccine, my balls have been itching”, said Jay Mast, who asked to remain anonymous, “at first I thought

Ask Flippy: How Can I Work My Max Bench Press (225 lbs) into Conversations?

Dear Flippy, One week ago, I finally hit a new max bench press (225 pounds). While I appreciate my buddy Keith smacking my ass and saying that I’m “yolked as shit, bro,” I find myself yearning for attention in other facets of my life. To solve this, I have been trying to interject my max bench press (102.058 kilograms) into casual conversation. However, I’m worried that my lift-related comments aren’t being received as they should be. How can I delicately

New Study Finds Cocaine Excellent Replacement For Eating, Sleeping, Blinking, etc.

Americans rejoiced last week as new study conducted by Harvard University concluded that cocaine served as an excellent alternative to mundane bodily tasks such as eating, sleeping, blinking, breathing, and having a pulse. “After we blew through all of the university grant money on low quality blow, we figured we should probably write some of it down” said Isaac Conklin, head researcher on the project. “Our intern Carl was more than happy to let us pump a near-lethal amount of