NUPD released a statement on Tuesday night that they’d caught a Mr. Johnny “The Mouse*” Bilderson, Evanston’s most prolific criminal. Mr. Bilderson has 0 robbery charges, 1 money laundering charge, and 17 loitering charges on his rap sheet, making him the most dangerous criminal in Evanston history. Johnny was caught when it was revealed he’d been laundering money for the various Evanston crime families (colloquially known as “fraternities”) through a “Take a Penny, Leave a Penny” service in a deli
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Matthew Steinway, a junior majoring in Creative Writing, has written the next great American novel after a 76-hour writing session fueled by mango-flavored vodka and microwavable Lean Cuisine meals. With baggy eyes and jittery hands, Matthew tells the Flipside, “The writing I produced during the session will be regarded as the literary event of the millennium. It is an anti-war, anti-capitalism, both pre- and postmodernist hodgepodge that explores the deepest roots of what it means to be human, as well
In Complete 180, The Daily Northwestern to Publish Names, Numbers, and Addresses of All Student Protesters
We’re not going to let little things like ‘journalistic integrity’ and ‘restraining orders’ stop us.
The Doily will still publish online every day, but print editions will only come out once every six years due to editors’ commitments to crocheting cute little lace covers for every single copy.
“I suppose I can’t say anything’s wrong…no, I literally can’t say anything’s wrong.”
Americans rejoiced last week as new study conducted by Harvard University concluded that cocaine served as an excellent alternative to mundane bodily tasks such as eating, sleeping, blinking, breathing, and having a pulse. “After we blew through all of the university grant money on low quality blow, we figured we should probably write some of it down” said Isaac Conklin, head researcher on the project. “Our intern Carl was more than happy to let us pump a near-lethal amount of
President Morton Shapiro, after consulting the University Board, released in a tweet that by 2020, Northwestern will be officially renamed “Avoiding UChicago.”
“Her body may be slowly eroding, but that’s a-okay, because she definitely doesn’t have Strep!” said Dr. Lou.