Searle Doctor Declares Dead Body “Fine” after Strep Test Comes Back Negative

Good news: No need to worry about Sheila Mortuus, the body having a three-day “lie down” in the morgue. Searle doctor, Dr. Lou, ran a Strep test on her this past weekend and it came back negative. She’s totally fine!

“Here at Searle we have a very rigorous diagnosis process and hold ourselves to the highest standards,” said Searle director, Adam Lament. Dr. Lou was so thorough: when Sheila was unresponsive to questions, Lou smartly assumed her throat hurt and swabbed it to test for Streptococcal pharyngitis. “Her body may be slowly eroding, but that’s a-okay, because she definitely doesn’t have Strep!” said Dr. Lou. 

Searle has been a large proponent of the recent scientific advances in the medical field that have shown that there is a 100 percent correlation between Strep and unhealthiness. Since Sheila doesn’t have Strep, Dr. Lou says she probably just needs some Aspirin and some rest and her pulse will be back in no time!

“I have to say, it really was a relief to find out Sheila is totally fine. After all, I was the one that pushed her out of that window,” says Mortuus’ roommate Verity Gilltee. Now all doubts on Mortuus’ state of health can be assuaged: her throat is bacterial infection-less (technically caved in, but there’s definitely no Strep). After all, either you have Strep throat or you are fine. There is no in-between.

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