Fueled By Mango Vodka And Room-Temp Lean Cuisines, Junior Writes The Next Great American Novel

Matthew Steinway, a junior majoring in Creative Writing, has written the next great American novel after a 76-hour writing session fueled by mango-flavored vodka and microwavable Lean Cuisine meals. 

With baggy eyes and jittery hands, Matthew tells the Flipside, “The writing I produced during the session will be regarded as the literary event of the millennium. It is an anti-war, anti-capitalism, both pre- and postmodernist hodgepodge that explores the deepest roots of what it means to be human, as well as the way we’ve used language to trap it into a comprehensible concept. I call it Anatolia Weeping.”

Though 76 hours of writing may seem daunting, Matthew tells us it allowed him to produce “interdimensional literature.”

“The combination of sweet alcohol and ‘Broccoli Cheddar Rotini’ kept me awake long enough to experience sleep deprivation-induced hallucinations that revealed to me the pure, virgin foundations of words and their interdependence on each other. With access to these visions, the writing flowed like the waters of Niagara.”

Prof. Dandrey, Matthew’s Creative Writing advisor, tells the Flipside he has read excerpts of Anatolia Weeping.

“So far? Incoherent. Very incoherent. I’m also not sure how easy it’ll be to explore what it means to be human when the protagonist, as far as I can tell, is a paper towel roll capable of thought.”

Matthew, however, has already planned the next steps for his novel. 

“Now comes the editing process, but that won’t take long, and then, obviously, I move onto publishing, book readings, movie deals, etc. Anatolia Weeping will, without a doubt, join the literary canon.”

Matthew says he expects a letter from the Nobel Prize committee as soon as the novel hits the shelves.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.