Editors of the Daily Northwestern announced Sunday night that in light of the controversy over how they handled their coverage of the Jeff Sessions protest, they’ve decided they’re all incredibly fucking sick of addressing the controversy over how they handled their coverage of the Jeff Sessions protest and will henceforth cater to a gentler community – crocheters on campus.
“It all started when our copyeditor was stress-crocheting in the newsroom the night after the story broke,” said editor-in-chief Khnit Whitte. “The rest of us realized that even with our best use of strategies of crying, binge-drinking and drunkenly cry-typing response letters – in that order – still just didn’t get us as relaxed as Gertrude seems when she’s halfway through a skein of yarn.”
The Doily will delight its new demographics – 30 annual readers between the ages of 85 and 95 – with sections such as “pattern of the month,” “Hook Heros” and “pictures of doilies that make us forget how tired we are of being roasted for trying to run a publication.”
Along with changes in copy, Whitte anticipates a few changes to the publication process. The Doily will still publish online every day, but print editions will only come out once every six years due to editors’ commitments to crocheting cute little lace covers for every single copy.
The notoriously extensive reporter training process, or “Devo” process, will be replaced with memorization of Darn Good Yarn’s list of “70 must-know crochet abbreviations and definitions,” and editors have already pawned their Mac monitors in order to purchase the Nimbus 2000 of crochet hooks: The Silver Line and Sinker.
“It’s been a long two weeks and nobody could possibly create controversy out of crochet,” said Whitte. “So, like, fuck it.”