It’s no secret to NU students that the school has problems managing money, from administration blowing millions on football games to continuing to fund the theater program. However, recent statements out of the office of the president indicate that these troubles may be over. When Morty Schapiro went into a budget meeting with several of the financial experts in charge of the university’s endowment with one of those bats with nails in it, reporters were unsure of the outcome. However
Author Archives: Enrique Eguiguren
NUPD released a statement on Tuesday night that they’d caught a Mr. Johnny “The Mouse*” Bilderson, Evanston’s most prolific criminal. Mr. Bilderson has 0 robbery charges, 1 money laundering charge, and 17 loitering charges on his rap sheet, making him the most dangerous criminal in Evanston history. Johnny was caught when it was revealed he’d been laundering money for the various Evanston crime families (colloquially known as “fraternities”) through a “Take a Penny, Leave a Penny” service in a deli
From the Archives–Op-Ed: Charlie Chaplin should Stick to Silent Movies, Keep his Political Views out of Talkies
This film is his first “talkie” and boy does he talkie a lot.
I was lazy, listless, and broken inside, but ever since our night (or really evening) of passion, my life has totally turned around. I got into not one, but two improv groups on campus.
Morty has seemingly become obsessed in the days since with ensuring NU continues to move up the rankings and has covered the walls of his room with charts, graphs, and… other things, trying to, umm, “analyze” what allowed us to move up.
While we cannot currently provide video, audio, or photographic evidence that this has happened, we do have blue hairs we cut off our intern that probably look like Sonic’s luscious mane.
“You can get upset at me for what seems to be a blatant breach of fairness in admissions, but you can’t deny the hustle” said Shapiro.
Urkel has been locked 24/7 in a small, heavily guarded cell in a classified location, but his lawyers have reported that he’s enthusiastic that he’ll get off because “there’s always the next episode”.
Despite the backlash, Disney executives don’t seem to be worried. “What’re they gonna do, not watch a Disney movie? We own everything.”
“My voice sounds really decent on an auto-tuned studio recording. Still, the acapella groups won’t accept me, even though at least half of them sound like you’re listening to an Instagram cover of Mariah Carey.”